Diabetes Blog Week 2014: Day 3

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old blog

that was my first diabetes blog.

A Bit of a Written Advantage

i started it when i was 20 and kept it a secret until now.
i did so because it reveals a darkened heart and a troubled soul
i didn’t share it with my parents
i didn’t share it with my friends

i am petrified to share it now…

i wrote it for me
i needed to be negative
i needed to vent

even when i knew i’d be the only one to see it, i became closed and self conscious
i feared it revealed something about me that i wasn’t ready to see.

reveal

i used my first blog space as a search and find
picking pockets of diabetes life to pit my anger and frustration

i was never doing well enough
never quite okay despite how badly i tried to convince myself i was
i felt as though i was the only person with diabetes who couldn’t get it right
i felt guilty and if prompted, i’d surely be the one to point a finger at myself and my habits.

–

i have always been a great pretender and stand by the notion that what one does affects the way one feels.

thus in theory:
by acting like a person who is good at managing, i will, i time, feel like a person who is actually good at managing.

high BG

i’m not sharing this now because i feel healed or better

i’m not cured of the damage diabetes has done to my psyche

if anything, i’d say i’m still sifting through the rubble to find pieces of myself that were lost or stolen. it’s tough to figure out what is true and what is foreign when everything is covered in the same gray dust.

i don’t know that this process ever stops. i may be searching for ways to feel whole until it’s my time to pass.

it often works as a cycle. i learned through seeking identity wholeness that i am painfully self-aware. living with diabetes may or may not be deserving of credit for that, but regardless – it serves me well in many occasions, but certainly not in all. i can easily get too introspective and begin to question my personhood.

I AM MOVING THROUGH THIS DOOZIE RIGHT NOW:
pssssst: i am highly sensitive about it, in fact i’m not sure i am ready for comments on this bit at all

as the post above still rings true, i have to question:

(a) does high blood sugar change the real me, which is kind and patient, into a less pleasant being which is decidedly less ‘me’?

OR

(b) am i a person, thick with bitterness and scowl, who uses the excuse of high blood sugar to mask what lies beneath in dandelions and snowflakes?

FURTHER

if (a), would it be honest to say that i take every precaution to stay in my more natural state?
if (a) and i don’t take every precaution, what priority beats out being in my more natural state?
if (b), is it possible that i purposefully take diet risks to exercise that excuse and thus relax into my more natural state?

* i am aware that there are many shades of gray between (a) and (b) and i’ll likely nestle somewhere between them.

–

the fact that this question exists for me in combination with how very raw i feel right now after writing it out is proof enough of two things:

1. soul searching is in it’s infant stages for me and clearly, moves at a glacial pace

2. during this process i need to remember to build UP my emotional evaluation of self worth and believe above all else that soul searching is something only the strongest and bravest can endure. moreover, i ought to take great esteem in my ability to ‘go there’ and then push further. it is a great gift and may be lost if not exercised.

–

thank you scott strange for your honesty and your bravery. i think the world of you and all the work you do both inside and out. you make the world (and the #DOC) a brighter place. this topic pushed me to explore something new.

_______________________________________________________

todays diabetes blog week prompt:
What Brings Me Down. May is Mental Health Month so now seems like a great time to explore the emotional side of living with, or caring for someone with, diabetes. What things can make dealing with diabetes an emotional issue for you and / or your loved one, and how do you cope? (Thanks go out to Scott of Strangely Diabetic for coordinating this topic.)

Diabetes Blog Week 2014: Day 2

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Bridge Cabin

send me well wishes, not tricks up your sleeve
because right when i need you, you also need me

there’s no changing colors, no charging up dues,
no market impressions, no turning up clues

i test, you trial, as our turbulence goes
on for lightyears, discomfort and woes

you never asked for permission, to park it and stay
you’re welcoming gift bears, a reason to pray

i pray not to jesus, nor shiva, nor thor
for they bare no witness, to what we’ve endured

answer me this, are you used to me yet?
cause i’m still not adjusted, your now and then threat

there’s no ‘when this is over,’ or ‘as soon as it’s done’
because you and i baby, got no where to run

so send me well wishes, and i’ll still do my best
together we’ll do it, every last test

there’s no you without me, nor me without you
so let’s be married in action, and both pay our dues
i can if you can, and we can it’s true
our bumps become our stories, our unexpected blues.

______________________________________________________________

todays diabetes blog week prompt:

Our topic today is Poetry Tuesday. This year, Diabetes Blog Week and TuDiabetes are teaming up to bring out the poet in you! Write a poem, rhyme, ballad, haiku, or any other form of poetry about diabetes. After you’ve posted it on your blog, share it on the No Sugar Added® Poetry page on TuDiabetes, and read what others have shared there as well!

Diabetes Blog Week 2014: Day 1

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Diabetes Blog Week 2014: Monday
Screen Shot 2014-05-15 at 12.30.14 AM

i recently returned from a trip to the mountains with my lovedove, jesse.
we spent nearly two weeks in an isolated cabin.
no internet. no cell service. 30 minute drive to the nearest town. nada. nothing. trees, trees, a creek and more trees.

i loved our time together. i learned things about our partnership and how we tend to co-habitate when there is really nothing to do. i’m not sure if we made an unspoken pact or not but neither he, nor i, spoke of my diabetes much during our stay. this is very very weird for me. i usually gab on and on about diabetes and what kind of tricks it pulled on me that day.

backstory: i went off my pump after this happened a couple of weeks ago. i needed a break. that break extended into cabin time and resulted in the absence of beeps.

it was like i’d never heard a silence so brilliant. everything still. i didn’t know how truly stunning an absence of the beeps could be.

i noticed it on the second day in cabin time and felt a terribly strong urge to write and tweet and fb about how, through the absence, i thought up a great new name for when wacky bg’s are sticking around: the beeps.

post backstory: maybe someone has already shared that term! i wanted to find them! I wanted to share and rejoice on how this silence has renewed my desires to have a pump but NOT hear many beeps.

i wanted to talk about the beeps with those who understand or even just someone who understands.

yes. jesse has been with me (& diabetes) for nearly six years. he has seen the presence it has in my life and what i allow it to dictate. he has seen the times when i tell diabetes no, but it goes ahead and does it anyway. he gets it

but as you may have heard or seen or felt, talking small d-intricacies with people without diabetes often leads to the PWD feeling rather misunderstood.

what i am trying to say is…

i need you people.
i need you #DOC maker-upers to share with, to learn from, to stand with when phasers are set to stun on advocacy issues, to bench press the tough shit like it aint no thang (i shouldn’t have thrown that one in).
i need the outlet and the support and the funnies that you create and maintain.

you help me laugh about that which can feel unbearable and unrelenting.
you show me courage
togetherness.
tenderness.
and love.

YOU fuel me.

i advocate formally for our continued connection.

i’m getting all mushy gushy so i am going to connect this now and make a plug.

am i allowed to make a plug?
i am going to anyway.

it just so happens that the diabetes cause and issue that fuels my steamboat (only YOU aren’t burnable) has been addressed in a new way very recently, thanks to Christel at thePerfectD Blog (yes that was capitalized, and for good reason).

The Diabetes UnConference.

i’m just going to repeat that a few times.

The Diabetes UnConference.

The Diabetes UnConference.

The Diabetes UnConference.

The Diabetes UnConference.

i love talking with and meeting friends with diabetes on the net. for me, it’s a non-threatening environment that is shaped by the people who want [something unfound] from it. the #DOC is a collective. we decide what fuels us, what moves us, what shakes us, what shapes us and what changes us. we choose what and how often. we pick where and where not. we.

The Diabetes UnConference brings the online freedom to real life gatherings. we decide when we get there. we share what we want when we want. we contribute our gifts and bask in others’. it’s unlike anything else.

there are diabetes conferences for families, for women, for educators, for scientists, for health centers, and even for techies. each of these conferences are different (all magnificent) works of art. a single person may see the beauty in each of them, but may not identify with them all.

The Diabetes UnConference is a conference… for adults with diabetes.

it is a place to talk about the beeps and how the absence of speaks to a need you didn’t know you had.

it is a place to wear diabetes completely on the outside because, refreshingly, keeping it simple doesn’t benefit anyone around you.

it is a chance to speak the diabetes language without pausing to explain the basics.

it is the #DOC in person.

it is magic.

The Diabetes UnConference: REGISTER HERE
_______________________________________________________

todays diabetes blog week prompt:
Change the World – Monday 5/12
Let’s kick off Diabetes Blog Week by talking about the diabetes causes and issues that really get us fired up. Are you passionate about 504 plans and school safety? Do diabetes misconceptions irk you? Do you fight for CGM coverage for Medicare patients, SDP funding, or test strip accuracy? Do you work hard at creating diabetes connections and bringing support? Whether or not you “formally” advocate for any cause, share the issues that are important to you. (Thanks go out to Kim of Texting my Pancreas for inspiring this topic.)

there was a time

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WHITElogo

there was a time during my staffship at DHF when i lost someone very dear to me. 30 minutes after hearing the news, i sent a text to manny. i asked for the following day off and briefly told him why. seconds later, he called me. he wanted to make sure i was okay and express his deep condolences. before his call, i’d been sitting alone in my room, only a door separating my sadness from the jubilant friends having a party in the living room. my throat was swollen and my heart was heavy. i can’t remember what he said, but what i do remember was his care. immediate, unwavering. manny has always been this way, but on this particular occasion, especially so.

there was a time during my staffship at DHF when corinna came to town. i got real with her about the place my mind was stuck, and she helped me to crawl out. she asked questions that brought me a level deeper than i’d gone on my own. intentions, reactions, possibilities. i’m not sure she knows that her words carried such a profound impact, but i will be forever grateful. she has become a great role model for me. she has literally SHONE me that standing up for yourself can be synonymous with standing up for many many others.

there was a time during my staffship at DHF where ketones found me. I pretty desperately text’d Melissa Lee, a DHF board member. She called me and I felt relief immediately. Remembering her caring support makes reflecting on the experience a positive one, despite the feeling that my blood was on fire. It was some kind of diabetes community magic. take a fully bad experience physically, throw in friends reaching up to take some weight off, and you get a lesson in healing rather than pain.

everyday during my staffship at DHF i came into the office looking forward to spending time with mike and emily. i’m convinced that there is no workplace like this one because of them. they are my friends and i truly love them both. i have so many vibrant memories with them, so many lessons learned, so much self growth and personal development. we tease and we laugh. we dance and we sing. we stand and we trot in place to get more fitbit steps. i don’t think it is common to meet people who offer space to grow in real time, but both mike and emily do. i’ve blossomed in many ways because they lend insight and experiences. missing them is going to be really challenging.

there was a time during my staffship at DHF when a new family member jumped aboard. desiree is so fun and talented and together, i can’t help but wish i would have been here to hang out longer. she brings so many wonderful gifts to DHF. she has been a pleasure to work along side.

all of these memories share a theme, a common thread, a backbone.

that backbone, thread, theme, is the mission of DHF working it’s magic. connecting. engaging. empowering.

beyond that, for me, what is really under all of it is… belonging.

there are so many warm warm welcoming individuals making up the DOC. i’ve never felt like i belong anywhere as much as i do here.

i knew what DHF did before i started working here. i had felt saved by PWDs before. but this family, up close and personal is something else. it is a home. it is a place to stand and a place to fall. it is a place to rest. it is a place to just be.

DHF and the DOC are whatever you need them to be even when you aren’t sure what it is you need.

there was a time when i felt lost and alone. thanks to DHF and all of you, that time is behind me. and should it ever find me again, i know exactly where to turn to find my way back home.

i’m filled with gratitude for the kindness DHF has shone me. on the eve of my last day of staffship, i can think of no better way of thanking them then to promise to pay it forward.

wherever i go,
whatever i will do,
i will bring your lessons and kindness and warmth with me.
i’ll show compassion and extend my arms to offer the warmth of a hug.
i’ll be open and honest
i’ll call to make sure someone is okay
i’ll dance and sing and tease and laugh

thank you for guiding me and helping me grow, DHF and DOC.

here are all the ways i’d like to say thank you:

just like that

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ferris coachella
today was my last visit with my endocrinologist of nearly six years.

hesitant to walk in after a ‘bad’ diabetes week, i lost sight of the fact that this could very well be the last time i ever see her.

it’s been a rough two months.
there have been family troubles, broken lungs, the passing of a dear friend, personal illnesses, and there is more i can’t get into.

my blood sugar levels would do well to tell the tale.

probably because i knew it would be the last… this visit, i got real with my endo.

i told her what had been going on and that i’d rather not up my basal rates right now. i told her that my stress would fade away after i move, regulate, and regain my balance.

she agreed and suggested basal testing.

she asked me if i had any questions.

i said no.

she said, ‘okay, i’ll send in your prescriptions. follow me out to pick up your lab slip.’

‘thank you’ i replied.

just like that.
our time together ended.

i’m no longer her patient. she is no longer my doctor.

so unceremonious.
unfeeling, emotionless.

no hug, no handshake, not even an acknowledgment of an ending.

no reflection. no thank you.

i can’t say i was expecting closure,
and i don’t think it was important to me until i didn’t get it.

maybe i needed to thank her for being my doctor
maybe i couldn’t because i’ve felt like a ‘bad’ patient all these years
always a high a1c, not testing enough, eating poorly
maybe i was a patient that made her feel like an ineffective doctor.

six years of visits and i’m leaving
i’m leaving without a feeling of gratitude
and that lack is weighing on me.
would it you?

—————–

in arizona, i will find an endocrinologist that i vibe with, one that i’ll have trouble leaving.

i’ll find it.
i’ll do it.

i can.

Diabetes Educational Model Crowd-Funding Campaign

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hba1c

favor requested below!

i’ve been working with a man with t1 diabetes who creates educational 3d models of proteins. his name is casey steffen and his work is spectacular.

he has created a hemoglobin model duo to show the difference between glycated and normal hemoglobin (as you see above).

i don’t often use this space to promote products, but i sincerely believe in what the distribution of these glycated hemoglobin hba1c models could possibly do.

like jerry the bear, it promotes learning through physical contact. you don’t just look at it in a text book, you get to hold it. You get to see and feel how a1c levels go up. i am a kinesthetic learner and hands-on always improves my learning curve. i know i’m not the only one.

i imagine these models in diabetes camps, at pediatric endocrinology offices, at diabetes conferences like Friends For Life, etc.

it could drastically improve our understanding of how high glucose levels impacts your blood.

so the deal is that casey has started a crowd-sourced funding campaign on rocket hub.

he is half way to the goal, with only 21 days left.

i am giving to his campaign because it can help knowledge of the biology of an a1c test really stick. also it can raise awareness, and it looks really really cool.

if you are on twitter, please consider tweeting about this to help promote the success of the campaign. below are some tweets you could use. all you have to do is copy, paste and share.

it would be astronomical to see casey’s work come to fruition.

if you would like to give directly, here is the campaign page.

also, if you feel so inlaced (and i hope you do) send your doctor or CDE a link to the campaign. it is below for copy and paste purposes:

http://www.rockethub.com/projects/23187-hba1c-teaching-model-brings-diabetes-education-to-life

thank you for reading and considering helping to bring diabetes education to life.

_______________________

tweets:

– Help change #diabetes education by bringing #HbA1c to life! #HbA1cAware http://ow.ly/vPbmy @steffenvfx #DOC

– Revolutionary #Diabetes science education tool turns #HbA1c blood test into protein action figure #HbA1cAware http://ow.ly/vPbmy @steffenvfx #DOC

– Most confused by #HbA1c #diabetes #sugar; Interactive HbA1c Teaching Model visualizes HbA1c test results http://ow.ly/vNVXS #HbA1cAware @steffvfx #DOC

– A #PWD created a physical model of #HbA1c to bring innovation to #diabetes education. #HbA1cAware http://ow.ly/vPbmy @steffenvfx #DOC

– A man with #t1diabetes is forging a new path for #diabetes education. Help him bring it to life! #HbA1cAware http://ow.ly/vPbmy @steffenvfx #DOC

– I’m a kinesthetic learner and this would have benefitted me! #HbA1cAware http://ow.ly/vPbmy @steffenvfx #DOC #diabetes #diabeteseducation

– I support this #diabetes advocate as he paves a new way for people to learn about diabetes. #HbA1cAware http://ow.ly/vPbmy @steffenvfx #DOC

THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART

Rocking Coachella With Diabetes

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Screenshot 2014-04-16 19.14.18

today i am heading out to coachella. it is a music festival in indio, CA near los angeles. it is four days of dancing in the hot hot sun.

before i get to the diabetes part of this post, i must disclose that the photo above came about because our only housemate who couldn’t attend needs to be there with us. i printed out her face and will have her in our photos. you’ll see more of them post festival.

now, back to business….

i’m ready to dance dance dance until i just can’t anymore. like any person looking forward to coachella, i’m wondering what to pack, how short is too short, how big of a water bottle i ought to bring. i’m feeling like my success will depend on how well i pack and mentally preparing for the days ahead.

on top of that non-d people stuff, i also have to pack the right medical supplies. i have to tell all my friends that the change in routine is going to require more diabetes-time. i’m going to have to pause a dancing streak to check check check. at some point, maybe more than once, i am going to have to reload my pumpy-dumpy-stuck-on-me with new insulin. my blood sugar may drop more because of the increased exercise, or it may be higher because i’m so afraid of lows. it’s going to be an interesting experience.

here is how i prepared:

1. packed about 10 times more than i would ever need in this period of time. after asking the women with diabetes Facebook group, i decided not just to bring pump supplies, but also MDI materials. these are my quantities:

1 insulin pump
5 reservoirs
5 quicksets
2 vials of humolog
1 insertion device
15 alcohol wipes
2 levimir pens
2 humalog pens
4 bottles of test strips (50 ea)

2. i created an image on instagram and tagged #diabetes asking if anyone with t1 was going to be at coachella. here is the response:
coachella
the conversation continued beyond that, but you get the idea.
it worked! one person with diabetes responded that he was going to be there and an advocate from another patient group is going also.

3. as i thought about clothing and other vain things pertaining to my trip, i started considering switching to injections for the festival. this way i wouldn’t have to worry about my pump getting knocked off while i’m dancing near (maybe too near) other people. after all, who likes the feeling of a swinging insulin pump?

as people with diabetes who have pumps (PWDWHP?), we know that a swinging pump isn’t the WORST thing, especially if it doesn’t rip out. BUT every time it happens and someone sees, they react like this:

or like this:

i’m all for a good laugh, but i don’t exactly want to gross anyone out or make anyone worry about my wellbeing.

despite my feeling that it might be good to switch to injections for the festival, i am likely going to stick it out with the pump.

here are 4 reasons why:

1. INSTANT FRIENDSHIP

when i see another person with diabetes (usually i notice a pump) i want to run over, give them a hug, and be best friends. this tendency is even stronger when i am in a place where PWDs are a teeny-tiny minority.

2. recovering from lows

as a lovely woman in the FB group suggested, if i go low i can just suspend my pump. there isn’t a way to do that while on injections. the last thing i want is to be faintish in the middle of a 30k crowd trying with all my might to choke down glucose tabs.

3. shots look different

i am going with my (non-d) friends who are used to me being on my pump. do i think they would react poorly to injections? certainly not, but it would change the time it takes me to be ready to go out somewhere or eat something. i’ve experienced that like with PDAs, people generally avert their eyes when i am injecting. it could be because they don’t like needles, but it could also be because they feel like it is something private. either way, in the off chance it would make someone i don’t know uncomfortable, i’ll generally avoid it.

4. i can

nuff said.

___________________________

if you have ever thought about switching from your current insulin therapy to another, why did you choose the way that you did?

also, if you are going to coachella, email me so we can have a diabetes meet up!

let me share this whole new world with you

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there is much debate in the diabetes online (and offline) community about whether a person with diabetes ought to be considered or consider one self, “disabled”.

sharing my position on this is something i’ve been very weary of because my feeling is that it goes against the grain of the majority rule.

but alas, here it goes….

last month i celebrated the life of my dear friend hattie… at disneyland. while there, i declared myself disabled and followed where it led me…

Screenshot 2014-03-24 17.06.52

well aware that there are many differing opinions and feelings around this delicate issue, i want to first say that my perspective is neither correct nor incorrect because it really is an individual decision. i am not writing this post to convince you of anything, only to share how i linguistically cope and one of the perks of the madness.

Screenshot 2014-03-24 17.06.34
we can call diabetes whatever we want: a condition, a disease, a lifestyle, a motivator, a disability, a life circumstance, a bumpy road, anything

the language that serves me best is to call diabetes a disease. there is an organ in my body that literally doesn’t function as it should. for me, to call that major malfunction just a condition feels like an undermining of the severity of my ‘situation’.

i’m not sure i want to be a person who needs credit, BUT diabetes is a hell of a lot of work and receiving recognition for that work helps motivate the continuation of my efforts. calling diabetes a disease makes it sound as serious as it feels, as burdensome as it can be, as heavy as it weighs on the hearts of my family, friends, and life partner.

i don’t want diabetes to be something that stops me from doing anything i want to do, but if i am to speak honestly, there are things i don’t want to do because i have diabetes.

for example, i can’t get schwasted and pass out because i have diabetes, but i wouldn’t want to do that anyways because it would be dangerous for my health especially since i have diabetes.

the next question is does diabetes prevent me from participating in some activities? does it actually dis-able me?

i’ve landed on this answer: it can, when i allow it to and i am allowed to grant myself the freedom to choose when and which activities my own diabetes keeps me from pursuing.

there is no hard yes or no. there are not even activities that i x out completely, it is all on a case by case basis.

and i am going to repeat this bit because it is very important to me:

i am allowed to grant myself the freedom to choose which things my diabetes keeps me from pursuing each time an opportunity arises.

there are times when my diabetes and i decide that eating a cupcake is okay, there are other times when my diabetes and i decide that it isn’t.

being consistent to appease others only serves me so long as it serves me.

i am the only one who knows how i feel. you are the only one who knows how you feel. because of that self-evident fact, we must each be active agents and advocates for ourselves in the workplace, in school, in play. because of that, we must each wear the amount of humility necessary to live in accordance with the way we feel we want to live our lives.

we all have varying constitutions and thus our capacity to bare struggle varies. maybe joe can go to work even though his blood sugar was over 400 all night, but that doesn’t mean that i should be expected to push myself to the same degree. having a weak constitution doesn’t mean i’m a weak person, it just means i have to stay aware and feed my body what it needs to stay well.

so, yes. diabetes is a disability for me because i allow my diabetes to prevent me from doing things when i feel as though there is something i, in the moment, do not feel equipped to handle.

THUS, for me, being ‘disabled’ stands as a recognition of the fact that diabetes can be a barrier to success and serves as an allowance of time to heal when it does.

PLUS! accepting the term ‘disabled’ comes with perks like disneyland passes, national park free-camping passes, discounts on electric bills, extra care and priority picking classes in school, and more.

i haven’t always felt this way and i’m not certain that my thinking won’t again shift. for now, however, calling diabetes a disease and one that disables me in certain circumstances serves me and my self management goals.

what is your stance on this issue?
what language serves you in your current life circumstances and emotional landscape?
have you noticed any language shifts in yourself throughout your time as a person with diabetes?

please do share.

then she lit up a candle, and she showed me the way

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dark treei’ve been applying for jobs.

why, right?
i have an amazing job already. i get to be with loving warm people and lancet (THE dog) gets to come to work with me everyday. i spend my time talking to people who live to support each other and being a part of that is like a grilled cheese, toasty on the outside and warm and gooey on the inside. maybe that analogy was a little off, but if you know how the #doc loves grilled cheese, then you understand.

alas, regardless, anyway, i am jumping states and must find work that i love elsewhere.

i’m writing this post because applying for jobs has prompted me to write about myself more than usual.

while digging into an intro for a position as community manager with uber, i began exploring the reasons behind my decision to pursue east asian religion and philosophy as a major in college. i realized that it was the first time i had ever written it out.

i’d like to share it here with you because it wasn’t a ‘practical’ major and as a person with diabetes (PWD), having a practical major that would put me into a job, (that would give me enough healthcare to pay for the supplies and doctor visits i need to live) right out of college almost steered me elsewhere.

this is what i wrote for the intro:

I am 23 and graduated from UC Berkeley with a BS in Comparative Religion in 2012. My emphasis was East Asian Religion and Philosophy. I forged this academic path because I was seeking a truly interdisciplinary approach to the study of that which is human. I know, I know… that last sentence was both very ‘Berkeley’ and very ‘hippie-esque’. Don’t depart now, there is good reason! After being diagnosed with diabetes at age 11, I began thinking about life in a ‘deep’ kind of way -(that’s what having a dysfunctional pancreas will do to you). That, along with being the introspective person I have come to be, led me to want to combine traditional academics with courses and programs that stimulated personal growth and development. For me, personal development came with understanding what drove others toward faith and belief, meditation and penance. I’m sure that was more than you wanted to know, BUT there’s more!

Since graduating in 2012, I have been working at a diabetes empowerment organization called the Diabetes Hands Foundation, serving at a local micro-brewery, and developing an online presence via my personal diabetes blog, writing profiles, and twitter account(s).

i felt really good after writing that. my voice was in it, and i discovered a few more things:

#1. i learn about my past and present self by writing. just like you, i’m ever changing and new attributes don’t always show themselves outright. some attributes, even positive ones come in the form of divots, invisible until you either get really close or physically put your hand in and feel it. my major is something i’ve always rolled my eyes while saying because i know my answer to the vexing follow up question, ‘no, i’m not exactly using my degree’. i know deep deep in my heart that i studied an area of academia that served my soul, but a bitterness toward explaining it kept me from feeling what was buried beneath.

#2. i fear that my efforts will not be valued. this may be a common fear, a societal fear, but it is certainly a fear that carries a potential deterrent effect. the subconscious and self-protective logic would be, “if i don’t try to do x, then i can’t be devalued for trying (or failing) x”. i’d be lying if i said that this logic had never lead me toward a faulty decision module with no potential healthy outcome. i can say though, proudly, that my general tendency is to push harder and not let that fear take the wheel.

…that is until #3 (that’s number three not hashtag 3), the third thing i learned through writing application intros…

#3. i live two different modes of diabetes self-management and they translate and spill over to other areas of life when they are in gear.

the first one, the productive but rather uninspired one is “don’t want to lose mode”. this mode shows itself through diet, in high carbs and more insulin. it shows itself through exercise with ‘it’s okay if i’m walking so long as i’m out here.’ this don’t want to lose mode means less thinking before doing and (thus) less intention in action. i’m a busy bee and stay productive, but my heart isn’t all there when i’m in this mode. i also am a little sensitive to delayed criticism, the kind that you only hear as criticism long after it’s been said.

the second, the over achieving full of passion, confident one is “want to win mode”. this mode shows itself through diet in green smoothies and ‘(insulin)free’ lunches. it shows itself through exercise with better preparation and a focus on the mental over the physical. want to win mode is about surpassing expectations and deserving a pat on the back for going above and beyond. i spend most of my time in this mode and am not easily knocked off, but i still am not certain of the blow that takes me down.

what i do know, is that the blow is diabetes related, because my management is always the first behavior to change gears.

i’m going to read through my past burnout related blog posts to find out if there is a common denominator. maybe there is a trigger that i have, thus far, been blind to.

perhaps there is an answer in the written history.

until next time,

move onward, my friend, onward.