when today rolls around each year, i wonder what i shall do, explore how i should feel.
i sit here, on the day marking the start of my fourteenth year post diagnosis, and question…
should i feel:
thankful for the life i’ve sustained because of medication?
grateful to the scientists (banting) who made my continued life possible?
blue because an unexpected anniversary will forever be a part of my life?
aggravated at the part of my existence, needy and constant, that i cannot change?
appreciative for the gifts and skills i’ve acquired as a result of living with a chronic illness?
pleased with my own resilience since the ever-recycling adversity invited itself to my forever?
frightened to not know how many more diagnosis anniversaries i will see?
morbid because i still consider not having kids in fear of dying and leaving them motherless?
proud of the inner work i have done to build the relationship i have with my disease?
but also terrified that i haven’t gotten far enough?
indebted to the community that has taken me in, offered understanding and care?
wishful that advances in technology will lessen the burden my condition has on my life?
relived because it could be a lot worse?
loving towards the family and friends who have made it feel more okay?
happy to have met friends online who i can support and who support me?
when i sit down and break down how i feel on this day every year, i learn that one sentiment doesn’t cover the bases.
my relationship to diabetes is muddy and convoluted and complex.
‘still diabetic’ is loaded.
it’s messy and, well, that’s the way (uh huh – uh huh) i like it.
it is real.
today, of all the days of the year, i feel the most human.
today is my diaversary, and i’m happy to be here writing this blog post.
for your viewing pleasure: