take another little piece of my heart now, baby

by

happy beach

a departure from my usual type of post…

but i want to talk about something close to my heart. beta connect. it has been a long time in the works, but the mentorship program i started visualizing nearly two years ago has finally come to fruition. thanks to sarah afzal, the woman who can literally move mountains, beta connect has blossomed. sarah has this really incredible ability to lead. close to magic, she just showed up and said “i want to do this,” and sure enough that is what she did, and then more! sarah, this wouldn’t have happened without you. since day one, you’ve been the most reliable and fun and kind and motivational partner in crime. i’m dumbfoundedly grateful for your existence. sincerely, thank you.

there are so many other people that deserve huge shout outs. sources of inspiration. encouragers along the way. it’s long overdue. here we go.

from the beginning:
PACS 119: you started it. every one of you that talked and shared and showed your passion. you all gave me space to be creative while looking inward at the same time. you let me fall on the first day into a puddle on the floor, and not a one of you let me feel alone. you melted with me. i felt safe enough to be more daring. sincerely, thank you.

sunshine workman & damali barton & sam clayton: you all directly impacted the details of beta connect, back when it was Diabetes Relationship Building for Empowering Youth (DRBEY) and now. your words ring in my ears all the time when i plan the future of the organization. you listened and gave me perspective. you all let me go when i needed to change pace, without stunting the movement that beta connect needed to go in to become real. sincerely, thank you.

stephanie swide & piper sagan & kim jennings & lucas fogarty & emily swide: do you know that you are the base? you showed up for the first meetings, which were basically like socials. you kept the idea alive. you stuck through the disorganization and casualness of poorly coordinated meetings. i had no idea what i was doing and you created the strength and power that carried beta connect to success. you will forever be the first active members of beta connect. sincerely, thank you.

fast forward:

manny : you had coffee with me one afternoon just to give me advice about doing non-profit work. i am not sure what you thought was in it for you, which truly speaks to your generosity and genuinely compassionate nature. at that coffee talk, at new amsterdam cafe, you told me about the job i have now. i was so excited that i called my mom to tell her about it right after. you gave me an opportunity to do what i am passionate about right out of college and more, to make a living doing it. i left college thinking i was going to have to work at a bar for a long time to sustain the kind of work i wanted to be doing. working for the diabetes hands foundation has been incredible and fulfilling. sincerely, thank you.

mr mike lawson: beta connect met you on facebook long before i ever thought i would meet you in person. i thought you were just a guy who made funny youtube videos about diabetes. when i learned that you were the guy who would start the same day as me at DHF, i at first thought ‘small world.’ but now, after knowing you, i have a new perspective. coincidences are everywhere if we just take notice. coincidences happen to YOU everyday, everyday a new story. you find them in weird places, or they find you, whichever. point being, you make meaning in your life like no on i have ever met. i have used that philosophy when working on beta connect, much more willing to go with the flow than before. the flow that has led to this. and side bar, you inspired this blog. writing is one of the best medicines i use. sincerely, thank you.

everyone at triple rock: ohmygsdadkjasdjahsdnd. you all were my friends when i kind of felt like i didn’t have any. you all make that place great. you create that vibe and gosh, it is so bright and welcoming. without you all, i wouldn’t have been able to get back on track after my beta-burnout. sincerely, thank you.

carolyn eisen & krystle samai & tamar sofer-geri & amy warner: you are the four strong women outside of by base of support who got excited about my idea. you fueled my passion and my desire to keep working. you all provided opportunities that i cannot thank you enough for. without you, the programs literally wouldn’t exist. sincerely, thank you.

lindsey hansen: you’re my sister, sista! your a pal and a confidant. and you did graphic design for free. thank you for be a solid friend even when i was down and out. love you, girl.

cait & nika & penthouse: you all took me in when i was a the lowest of lows, in the darkness of heartbreak. cait, i might be in a gutter somewhere if not for you. you let me be dark when i needed to be and danced with me in happy times. i miss you so much and can’t wait for you to return home. and nika, you brought music into my life in way more ways than one, literally and figuratively. you challenge me in crazy ways and i love you for being so strong willed and such a go-getter. both of you, i am so eager to meet your new selves and get to know the you that you have become while away. i love you both so much. visiting penthouse next semester is going to be beautiful. sincerely, thank you.

at the homebase:

jesse & the walker clan (including hattie): when i couldn’t walk you were my wheelchair. you spew love. literally. to a point that accepting the love made me feel in debt. when i didn’t deserve it. when i pushed away. when my blood sugars were high, and low. jesse, love of my life, i don’t even know what to say. you are this brilliant glowing light in my life. you remind me of my power when i let it slip away. you and the family you have extended my way give me courage and strength to be daring and caring. sincerely, thank you.

gabel house: you built me and raised me to have dreams and to be a leader capable of enacting change. nuff said. sincerely, thank you.

please do follow the link to see the announcement of the ConnecT1D program brought to you by JDRF and beta connect.

information about insulliance coming soon.

everything, in it’s right place

by

fortune

inspiration has been oozing out of all of our diabetes sets, sites, an pokes this week. reading posts has been fun, enlightening, magical, inspiring, uplifting, thought-provoking, and just downright fantastic wonderful amazing. there are so many blogs i want to give shout outs to. i will mention a few with explanations and also a few extras that i went back to day after day.

writing a diabetes blog, or any kind of blog really, is hard. it can be a job for a lucky few, but for most, it is this extra thing that you want to do all the time, but can’t seem to prioritize at others. that’s how it is for me anyway.

most of the time, i walk through life with a certain disposition. i do things, while thinking about how i can explain them in a way that is as pretty or as eloquent as i see them. it makes me happy. it makes me feel like life is this beautiful thing happening in all directions. it makes me feel like i am a part of it. a part of the unfolding, a mechanism of it’s functioning the way it does.

the blogs that i am going to mention here are those that i have spoken of outside of the d world. historically, i have offered the subjects of these bloggers in an attempt to convey the importance and emotional weight of diabetes blogging and in particular, diabetes blog week. it really is a powerful community here. thank you to Karen of Bittersweet for doing all of this AND writing your own posts! how do you manage!?

diabetes big and small: Melissa Lee of Sweetly Voiced is a singer with some mad skillz. melissa’s blog was the second diabetes blogs i started reading and i have to say that her voice is one that speaks to me a lot. she is real and funny and just awesome. i met her when her son was wearing an r2d2 head topper and i would be lying if i said she didn’t become my hero right then and there.

diabetes memories: Kerri Sparling of Six Until Me wrote a simple and very moving, beautiful vignette of a child with diabetes. she wrote the child as herself, but in a vague enough way to allow for the reader to see themselves within the character. it revealed a side of my mom’s strength and changed her role within my diabetes memory. i am immensely grateful to have had read that post just before mothers day.

petition to my diabetes body: Christel of theperfectd writes with such creativity. her posts usually make me really laugh and because of that, i have shared her blog with many friends. she is clear and strait forward.

i want to be a super patient: Rachel of Probably Rachel wrote about pretending to be a super patient when visiting the endo. this post seriously stuck with me. it twists and turns like we all do in real life and exposes the gap we have all faced in self-care.

shoutouts to:
Hannah of the bad diabetic 18 and awesome.
Carrie of my unemployed pancreas always be awesome.
Ali of insulin and iron wicked awesome.
Brain of (buzz, buzz) not my cell pumping out awesome.
Bennett of your diabetes may vary maximum awesome.

today’s post was in response to this prompt:

As another Diabetes Blog Week draws to a close, let’s reflect on some of the great bloggers we’ve found this week. Give some love to three blog posts you’ve read and loved during Diabetes Blog Week, and tell us why they’re worth reading. Or share three blogs you’ve found this week that are new to you. (Thanks to Pearlsa of A Girl’s Reflections for inspiring this topic.)

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i’ve heard it all in the hospital

by

i am posting a video of a song from my favorite band, the cold war kids. i also wrote some of the lyrics from the song below.

i chose to show this song, because it has always resonated with me in a strong diabetes kind of way. i was a hospital kid. always sick. pneumonia at age 5, hospitalized for a week, some other stuff, hypoglycemia at 9, diagnosis at 11, diabetes DKA all the time, i was even life-flighted once -IN A HELICOPTER (don’t tell but that was actually really cool)!

it wasn’t until college that i had a year’s time free from hospital visits. if you have diabetes and haven’t spent significant time in the hospital, consider yourself lucky.

enjoy.

There’s nothing to do here, some just whine and complain, in bed at the hospital
Coming and going, asleep and awake, in bed at the hospital

tell me the story of how you ended up here, i’ve heard it all in the hospital
nurses are fussin’, doctors on tour somewhere in India

i got one friend laying across from me
i did not choose him, he did not choose me
we’ve got no chance of recovery
sharing hospital joy and misery, joy and misery, joy and misery

Put out the fire boys, don’t stop don’t stop
Put out the fire on us

bring your buckets by the dozens, bring your nieces and your cousins, come put out the fire on us

vietnam, fishing trips, italian opera
vietnam, fishing trips, italian opera

I got one friend laying across from me
I did not choose him, he did not choose me
We’ve got no chance of recovery
Sharing hospital joy and misery, joy and misery, joy and misery

Put out the fire boys, don’t stop don’t stop
Put out the fire on us

this post was in response to this prompt:
This year Diabetes Art moves up from the Wildcard choices as we all channel our creativity with art in the broadest sense. Do some “traditional” art like drawing, painting, collage or any other craft you enjoy. Or look to the literary arts and perhaps write a d-poem or share and discuss a favorite quote. Groove to some musical arts by sharing a song that inspires you diabetes-wise, reworking some song lyrics with a d-twist, or even writing your own song. Don’t forget dramatic arts too, perhaps you can create a diabetes reality show or play. These are just a starting point today – there are no right or wrong ways to get creative!

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i’m on the right track baby, i was born to be brave

by

jellyfish

Diabetes Blog Week 2013: Day 5

diabetes can suck sometimes. it is hard to manage, and flares up at all the wrong times. stress makes it worse, every change in routine, exercise patterns and diet comes with the need to make medical adjustments and changes. BUT diabetes also has forced me to become my own day to day care giver. and i like the power that comes with.

given the chance, i don’t think i would switch. diabetes is annoying, and has it’s pricks, but for me, it isn’t painful. i know that it must be for some people and i fully respect that. but it i am going to have to live with a chronic illness, diabetes isn’t the worse it can be.

so, i’ll stick with my sometimes sucky circumstances.

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today’s post is from this prompt:

Just like in the movie, today we’re doing a swap. If you could switch chronic diseases, which one would you choose to deal with instead of diabetes? And while we’re considering other chronic conditions, do you think your participation in the DOC has affected how you treat friends and acquaintances with other medical conditions? (Thanks to Jane of Jane K. Dickinson, RN, PhD, CDE and Bob of T Minus Two for this topic suggestion.)

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interested in participating? you still can sign up! click the graphic below!

she lives on love street, lingers long on love street

by

Diabetes Blog Week 2013: Day 4

top ten

That is me up there. hi. i am heather gabel. i come from yuba city. maybe you have heard of it? i was born there and grew up there. i went to school there, was diagnosed there, made friends there. then, the day after i graduated high school, i left there. i left there with a car full of old junk and clothes and i moved to berkeley.

moving to berkeley is my #10 best diabetes accomplishment. why? well, it was not only the classic coming of age rite of passage that comes along with moving away from home, but marked that time i decided to do diabetes on my own.

berkeley

that time i decided to do diabetes on my own.

#9 diabetes accomplishment. naming my dog lancet. best decision ever. he helps me remember to change the lancets in my pricker. … jk. i have only changed it twice since i got him. disclaimer: prepare to be overwhelmed with cute.

Screen Shot 2013-05-15 at 10.40.13 PM

the time i named my dog lancet.

#8 diabetes accomplishment. this.

100 x1100 x 2

that time(s) i got the lucky 100 on my meter. #winning.

#7 diabetes accomplishment. taking a week long solo trip to chicago after graduating college. i organized, planned, and carried out my trip on my own. i didn’t know any one there. i just took a risk and went for it. it was one of the most contemplative trips i’ve had.

chicago bathtub

that time i stayed at a friendly stranger’s house in chicago.

#6 diabetes accomplishment. studying the gods and goddesses in india for a summer, meeting some life long strong friends, and never having insulin temperature problems or diabetes related sickiness.

india

that time i went to india.

#5 diabetes accomplishment. having the privilege of meeting and working with crystal bowersox and elliot yamin because i work at diabetes hands foundation.

elliot yamincrystal bowersox

that time i met crystal bowersox and elliot yamin.

#4 diabetes accomplishment. finding such a wonderful and supportive man and accepting his help when diabetes gets tough.

jesse

that time i fell in love.

#3 diabetes accomplishment. i am missing two teeth on either side of my front teeth. i had fake teeth on a flipper retainer, you know, the kind you can take out and put back in? i got the retainer at 13 and was told that at 18 i would get dental implants. at 18, dentists said my mouth wasn’t done moving. 19, same. 20. same. finally at 21 i my mouth was ready. the surgeon canceled my surgery after seeing my high a1c. i spent the next three months working hard to get my a1c down. i got my lowest a1c of all time, and then got the surgery.

surgeryteeth

that time i got real fake teeth

#2 diabetes accomplishment. moving from visualization to actualization and bringing change to the community.

insullianceinsulliance 2

that time i made a difference.

#1 diabetes accomplishment. committing to being an active member in the diabetes community, online and off. without this support, where would i be? maybe back in miserabletown. making friends with people with diabetes who show me how to do it right. getting hired at the best non-profit with the best people.

lasarah

that time i found friends

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here is the prompt for today’s post:

We don’t always realize it, but each one of us had come a long way since diabetes first came into our life. It doesn’t matter if it’s been 5 weeks, 5 years or 50 years, you’ve done something outstanding diabetes-wise. So today let’s share the greatest accomplishment you’ve made in terms of dealing with your (or your loved one’s) diabetes. No accomplishment is too big or too small – think about self-acceptance, something you’ve mastered (pump / exercise / diet / etc.), making a tough care decision (finding a new endo or support group / choosing to use or not use a technology / etc.). (Thanks to Hilary of Rainie and Me for this topic suggestion.)

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interested in participating? you still can sign up! click the graphic below!

and all the roads we have to walk are winding

by

crystalball

Diabetes Blog Week 2013: Day three

i forgot to check my blood sugar for a while, back in 2010.

maybe it was burnout, maybe it was laziness. frustration. acting out. rebellion. maybe it was one of those twisted unconscious attempts to avoid the feeling of failure by semi-purposefully not putting forth effort.

regardless of the why behind the what, it happened. it happened for a few months. maybe more. i was checking my sugar maybe once a day. that period of time is foggy. drone-like. it was like bathing in self-hatred, in this vicious cycle of guilt and anger.

i was eating, feeling bad about eating the crap food i was eating while i was eating it, but also mad about not not being able to eat what i wanted to eat without feeling guilty, forgetting to take insulin, not wanting to check because i forgot to take insulin. then taking insulin when i could FEEL the high symptoms. still not checking because why should i have to, i didn’t ask for diabetes. then feeling guilty for taking insulin without checking and guilty for not checking. when i finally would check, i would feel guilty and angry at my life circumstances, and cope by eating more.

it was a mode. making decisions to deviate from the already in motion pattern wasn’t just daunting, but i can’t even remember it crossing my mind as a possibility. it was like being 160lbs and imagining your body at 115. the in-between is almost unfathomable. i could see both sides, ideal and very NOT ideal. but the path, the time of change that can be described as doing not terrible, but not super fantastic amazing 5.9a1c, didn’t exist in my mind. and i don’t mean it was invisible, because it literally didn’t exist. i couldn’t envision that process. only the extremes.

but here i am, in the middle. not super amazing fantastic, but certainly not anywhere near terrible. i am in the process of changing habits and i remember the day i began to understand that middle is good.

that was my best diabetes day, yet. this is the story:

it was my first semester at Cal, finals were approaching. i was nearing my usual “why did i wait until now to start this” kind of melt down, when a new project exploded in my mind.

what if i focused on my diabetes for the next two days, like i do on studying? that is 8 hours. straight.

diabetes for 8 hours? how would i fill the time? long mental stream of consciousness later, i decided that the best way to deal with the stress of finals was to focus on something else.

this choice didn’t come from a place of wanting my body to be healthy or in shape, or anything diabetes related. i picked it because it was something i had control over that i had already read the instruction manual to. i already knew the rules of the game. i didn’t have to take half of my first day learning how to do the project i needed to do to keep myself distracted.

i hadn’t seen diabetes as a positive distraction until this day. but, boy did i ever see it on this day.

so, i followed the diabetes rules. i drank a carrot juice for breakfast after i checked my sugar. i took insulin for the juice ten minutes before i drank it. i checked forty minutes after finishing the juice. i just took care of my body and nothing else for two days. i even took a short run. my sugars didn’t rise above 200.

after the second day of self-care i was back to thinking about my studies. only this time, the plan of attack was much more clear. i had a vision of how to approach an essay with a new, more elaborate and convincing argument. i wrote and wrote and what’s more… i felt like i understood what i was writing. it wasn’t just bs. it was real intelligence, i was drawing connections i had never seen before. i was saying something new and interesting. and i didn’t feel a need to pause to check facebook or read a few diabetes blogs. my attention span was like a glorious and continuous yellow beam of light. i had such capacity. such depth.

it was like magic. like that movie with bradley cooper about the pill that connects neurons to neuors so that the brain can live up to its potential. limitless. the movie was called limitless. and the day following my self-care binge, i felt that. limitless.

it was the best day with diabetes i have had so far.

now?

i live in a happy middle, acknowledging that there is always room for improvement, but that steady improvement lets me experience levels i never thought possible. the in-between. it is an exploration that is letting me dig and dig and dig, hunting for crystals in the dense rock formations that make up my person and tendencies.

move onward, my friend, onward.


this post was in response to this prompt:

Today we’re going to share our most memorable diabetes day. You can take this anywhere…. your or your loved one’s diagnosis, a bad low, a bad high, a big success, any day that you’d like to share. (Thanks to Jasmine of Silver-Lined for this topic suggestion.)

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interested in participating? you still can sign up! click the graphic below!

lollipop, lollipop, oh lollie lollie

by

sugar

dear fake sugar,

we, citizens of life with diabetes, have come to know that your ability to sweeten soda, cake, cookies, ice-cream, candy, coffee, chocolate, tea, and more, like every pleasure in this world, comes with a price. it has come to the attention of many that consuming more than a little of you at once causes less than enjoyable and un-timely movements of the bowel.

diabetes has challenged our ability to embrace your arch nemesis, regular sugar. and because of that, since being diagnosed, we, as newly emerging citizens of life with diabetes, made agreements to use you as often as we could. we have held up our end of the bargain. However you have fallen short by the promises made on your side of the agreement.

yes, you sweeten. but with that sweetening, you bring both short term and long term consequences. We, the citizens of life with diabetes, petition your chemical nature and urge you to go out into the world and find who you really are, naturally. go out there and connect with the roots or who you were meant to be before you started beefing up with drugs and additives, bleach and refineries.

and if you cannot do that, the least you could do is introduce us to a friend you meet along the way, or a cousin who might better withhold the terms of agreement.

we, the undersigned, demand a new way to taste sweetness without the harmful side effects of real sugar OR the harmful effects of you, fake sugar.

sincerely these are signatures:

1. Sarah Splendid
2. Justin Sulin
3. Marc Sweelow
4. Arnold Aftertaste
5. Darla Dietary
6. Sir Poopsa Lot
7. Jesse Sickfromsugar
8. Derrick Didntgetdiabetesfromeatingtoomuchsugar
9. Mehad Fakesugarandgotsick
10. Nancy Neveragain
11. (ENTER YOUR NAME TO SIGN AS A COMMENT AND IT WILL BE ADDED)

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Here is the prompt for today:

Recently various petitions have been circulating the Diabetes Online Community, so today let’s pretend to write our own. Tell us who you would write the petition to – a person, an organization, even an object (animate or inanimate) – get creative!! What are you trying to change and what have you experienced that makes you want this change? (Thanks to Briley of inDpendence for this topic suggestion.)

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interested in participating? you still can sign up! click the graphic below!

who are you, who? who? (who who), i really wanna know

by

Diabetes Blog Week 2013: Day 1.

self tattoo

every prescription and list of ‘until next visit action items’ provided by my endo has the subject line of: “heather gabel, uncontrolled type 1 diabetes.”

considering the fact that my lowest a1c since i was diagnosed, eleven years ago, was 7.8 (can you guess what i entered on my tudiabetes profile) i suppose that ‘uncontrolled’ is a fair assessment. and i suppose i deserve the slap in the face offered by the term, “uncontrolled.” in case you haven’t experienced being labeled by a doctor or had a nurse react terribly to a 260ish blood glucose like you are going to die, that IS what it feels like, a big ol’ slap in the face.

i try, i really do. everyday i try. more, i have given my present and future to serving the diabetes community. it’s everything i want to be doing with my life and more.

i have had the same endocrinologist since i moved away from home to start college. that was five years ago. i have wanted a new one since the second time i saw her.

why?

WELL: she is nice, but she looks at her computer, at my numbers, and makes her assessment of my person and capabilities based on that alone. i am not even certain that she would recognize me outside of the office.

i have been seeing her for five years!!

how is it possible that i have made NO CONNECTION to her?

she has had two children in the time i have been seeing her, and she has NEVER mentioned them. i only know because she was pregnant twice! it is as if our personal lives are not important in the office.

HIPPA? is that why?

maybe. if not, why is there no personalty exchange? no meaningful connection?

it’s not just her. when i go in there, i shut off too. it is so professional and business-y. i am so nervous and prepared to be scolded that i cower.

maybe, next time i go in to see her, i will march in there and tell her my story. I would start off by telling her this:

diabetes is this sacred thing, or event, rather, that changed the person i became. complete 360.

it is a huge part of my identity. … i know and am sensetive to the many PWD’s out there who say things like ‘i have diabetes, but it doesn’t own me, or define who i am, or keep me from being me’.

but diabetes IS built into my deepest intricacies. it is my greatest sorrow. my greatest strength. diabetes was my call to action. my source of isolation and then later, connection to community. i take from diabetes moments to laugh, cry, frown, smile, relax, barf, calculate, take responsibility, party, etc.

i am a PWD, I have diabetes, i am diabetic, i am a diabetic. i am chill with all levels of language.

i want my endo to know that i got ‘diabetic’ tattooed on my arm, as a move of self-empowerment, because before i accepted it into my identity that impulsive night, i wouldn’t let a soul get away with calling me ‘diabetic’.

i want her to know that i spend hours upon hours upon hours and more hours working out how diabetes affects my psyche, persona, and other inner-workings-stuff.

i want to tell her that i write a blog! that i work for the Diabetes Hands Foundation, and with UCSF on a study with teens with type 1! and that i started Beta Connect and insulliance and another mentoring program with JDRF that doesn’t have a name yet! I want her to know that i attend diabetes events more than every other weekend and that I say the word diabetes over 100 times every single day!

but most importantly, i want to tell her that i WANT my numbers to reflect my effort but for some reason that i haven’t figured out, they just dont.

i guess i never switched endo’s because i have always known that it isn’t just her. a new doc wouldn’t change my problem.

it is me. i walk in feeling inadequate. i act out inadequacy in person and behind the scenes. it must be apparent.

i feel like a fraud for doing so many diabetes things, while having never had an ‘adequate’ handle on it to begin with (physically anyway).

maybe i have not switched because the dynamic we have gives me an outlet of blame?

uhh, blogging makes the truth come out.

#DiabetesBlogWeek, you’ve got the magic.

maybe from and for an endo, i want care like a mullet… business in the front, party in the back.

let’s talk about numbers, but lets integrate and map the numbers to my journal, to my blog. guess what! the days i write are probably my best diabetes days. let’s talk about life and upcoming events in the community. let’s make eye contact at the diabetes events and recognize each other, say hello!

let’s accept that it is okay for me to be an active member of the community and not have it all worked out. let’s be a team.

let’s do this for real, with courage, teamwork, and intentionality.

i think i’m ready.

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this post was in response to this prompt:

Often our health care team only sees us for about 15 minutes several times a year, and they might not have a sense of what our lives are really like. Today, let’s pretend our medical team is reading our blogs. What do you wish they could see about your and/or your loved one’s daily life with diabetes? On the other hand, what do you hope they don’t see? (Thanks to Melissa Lee of Sweetly Voiced for this topic suggestion.)

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interested in participating? you still can sign up! click the graphic below!

and we can learn to love again

by

adam feet

frankly, i can’t even remember the first time.

i must have been in about third grade? maybe even before that…

i’m not talking about diabetes. i VERY clearly remember my first anything and everything diabetes.

i remember my first injection.
my first blood test.
my first over the top 90’s style “you’re going to be okay, just different” video.
the first look of relief in my mom’s eyes at the hospital when i told her pricking my finger didn’t hurt so bad.

i remember my exact words to the first friend i called to share the news, “don’t worry, it’s not contagious, and i’m going to get better really fast”.
my first ‘get well soon’ card.

i remember my first feeling of anger.
my first high blood sugar tantrum.
my first bout with DKA.

with diabetes, i don’t forget any firsts. but before? it feels like everything that came before diabetes just melted away at diagnosis. the memories faded into what i once was and will never be again. … and that was that. no take-backs.

but this part of me, this… thing. aspect? behavior? whatever you want to call it…

this is something that has been within me all along, making it’s way to the surface on occasion. just appearing often enough for me to reflect back and say with some vague sense of certainty that it is an innate aspect of my being.

are you dying to know what it is? even if it isn’t a good thing? .. because it is not a good thing. at least at first.

so here it is…

i have a superiority complex. if you have heard me talk about colleges before, then you have a sense of how this comes out in me, which is the good part. the ambition, the drive, the confidence.

BUT, i like honesty, and i like outing myself, so here is what is under that.

ever since i can remember, i have felt like i am ‘better at basketball’ or ‘more mature’ or ‘more intelligent’ or ‘more emotional’ or a ‘better listener’ than the people i call friends. and i know i am not making any friends by writing this. BUT this is a truth that has led me toward success and happiness on one hand but isolation and stress on the other.

i have this feeling that i am superior to my loved ones and acquaintances.

my truth is that i dont want this feeling. i dont want it like i don’t want diabetes, but it has this power over me.

i can’t even remember the first time i felt it. i do know that in third grade, i felt like jordan mcbride ‘asked me out’ because i was a better basketball player than the other girls in class. i was more ‘cool’. i remember being attached to the feeling of being special. and special in a way that was admirable.

my attachment to that feeling helped fuel this toxic inner dialogue that urges me to be better, do better, be stronger, funnier, more talented, more articulate. better. better. better.

but shit. my life is proof that this kind of mentality, this attachment, only brings more struggle. i stress about everything and take on way too many diabetes projects and psychology classes and diabetes organizations and diabetes jobs and i wear myself so thin that when i fail at my own diabetes it it okay with me because at least i failed because i gave all my time to other people’s diabetes.

i don’t want to let go of my drive and ambition, but i want to let myself be moved by something other than “better”.

i want the drive-er to be health and wellness. i want to be okay and feel good. i want to love my self and my body first, and find what drives me then.

i can take this innate thing in me and transform it into something beautiful and calming.

i am going to try that. maybe it will be a key to better the better self-care and management i pretend to have.

until the next time…

move onward, my friend, onward.