checkity-check-check

insulin empty
try not to see yourself in the pathology.

i’m pulling out my old books and some new ones as i delve back in to the kind of diabetes research that stimulates my need-to-do-good faculties.

reading and reading:
remembering not to ruminate
to find meaning
to seek benefit
to stress less

to write more.

this morning has been an explosion of epiphany in the sound of this:

amidst these reminders and this charming song, something fabulous happened:

my mind wandered,
and i went on facebook.

there, many diabetes friends posting their written works, their stories and tales, predictions and art.

like and arrow to the chest, it hit me. i hadn’t read diabetes blogs in forevs and i needed to pick back up on that right now. this instant. right now, right now.

so i did and i am and i’m feeling more relief than i have since i drove away from my home base of six years to make home anew.

so thank you DOC, for feeding me right when i needed to be fed. for being alive and welcoming regardless of time or place. for doing what you do.

i’m jumping back on the DOC train. checkin-in.

more to come. asap (pronounced as a word, not an acronym).

——–

thank you to chris for suggesting that today be a check in day (#dblogcheck). i’ll be more than a lurker today.

pop, pop, pop that thang

tahoe

this post is not drug related, despite the title.

or, well, i guess it is.

insulin is a drug isn’t it?

correction to that first line there: this post is indeed drug related.

LIFE UPDATE
i moved to mesa, arizona on sunday night. yes, i did mean to write night. we left berkeley, california around 9pm and drove 12 hours straight through the night. we made it to our new home around 9am with a full day of car and van unloading to do.

elements that screw with bgs:

-not sleeping
-not sleeping because you are driving all night

-hot hot sun
-moving schtuff to the third floor
-moving schtuff to the third floor with no elevator
-moving schtuff to the third floor with no elevator in the hot hot sun
-moving schtuff to the third floor with no elevator in the hot hot sun with no sleep

-having a beer to celebrate getting moved in
-having a beer to celebrate getting moved in after moving schtuff to the third floor with no elevator in the hot hot sun with no sleep

fast forward to now:
i expected things to go wonky, but i didn’t expect this
low after low after low.
54
48
32
63
48
it’s like my pancreas kicked into gear or something.

sweet heavens of jupiter! move to arizona and de ‘betes cure you’ll have.

yes, i’m more active than i’ve been.
yes, the temperature takes a toll.*******(see side bar below)
yes, boozy schmoozy adds an extra bell to the curve.

but this amount of turbulence i wouldn’t have anticipated.

i’ve got mamma’s voice ringing in my ears:
basal testing dear, you must conduct basal testing. ;-) gotcha.

i am actually STOKED to find a new endocrinologist here.
i’ve got to work this schtuff out soon.
sheesh, it’s been rough.

how about you?:
if you’ve experienced weirdness during or just after a move, how did it go? wonky-ness? any sense of normalcy through this would really help.

*****sidebar*****
at ada scientific sessions 2014 in san francisco, i heard and read about research for heating pads around the pump site to increase insulin absorption. could the heat be functioning like the heating pad? could it be heating my body and thus increasing my absorption rate? where is gary scheiner when you need him?

don’t you want somebody to love?

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patient and waiting for the chance to ask,
a woman in the back stands to say
“my patients are asking, ‘why me?’ and i don’t know what to say.”

there, right there, i wanted to shift my body weight from my butt to my feet, throw my arms up in the air and say, “EXACTLY!”

that’s why we are here
that’s why people with diabetes are work work workin’ to contribute to the diabetes online community.

that question, among others, is why we reach out with open arms and hearts and minds to strangers who are only qualified to propose an answer because of their exposure to the same tough life circumstance that brings the questions.

why not just seek answers on our own?
why not just look inward, or at faith, or to science?

because being in a space where others are also asking, “why me” transforms the question entirely:

instead of asking “why me?”, you wonder “why us?”

inclusive. enlightening. loving. moving. inspiring. transformative.

there is nothing more powerful than community
nothing more powerful for the individual
and nothing more powerful for the collective.

the end.

ps. i’m not the only one thinking this, right?:

twitter doc exists

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -
this post was inspired by a session at ADA scientific sessions 2014 in san francisco. i applied for and received a media pass to the conference. i will be posting more about this conference and you can find other accounts at the perfect d, your diabetes may vary, six until me, scott’s diabetes, diabetes hands foundation, our diabetic life, sweetly voiced, a consequence of hypoglycemia, the blood sugar whisperer, and on twitter with #DOCatADA and #2014ADA. if you have covered the conference and are not linked here, please let me know and i will add you to the list.

one-oh-five

box

one-oh-five
one hundred and five
105.

105. my blood sugar after a hike up and down the mountain.
no feelings of going low: no shakes, sweats, or frights

105. my score and my win.
taken at the start of a calming and deserved sit down looking over vancouver, canada.
the hike behind us and dinner ahead.
grouse mountain.
what a nice place to be.

it is shorts and a sweatshirt weather.
cloud free, although i rather enjoy a good cloudy day, this day is sharply clear
and evermore, freeing

105. i show him the number.
nice!‘ he replies, a high five made of sound waves

we sit together at 105.

‘stand up and i’ll take some pictures’ he suggests.
it is the most breath-taking view we have encountered with privacy since riding the gondola up, up, up to the base before the bigger gain.

should i take my sweatshirt off?” i wonder and then ask.
yeah” he agrees sweetly.

105. i want to be here forever, i think as he wraps his arms around me,
our eyes facing out to the topography of vancouver.
studying the grooves and points of nature and man, together we fall in love with this place.

i know we just talked about not feeling a need to rush anything” he whispers in my ear.
but…

he goes on….

i don’t ever want to be without your either, i think as he presents his love in words.

105. the number of beats per second.
i can feel his blood surging
heart leaping through his yellow button down,
banging kindly on my back.
are you here with me, his heart keeps asking

holding tightly, he begins to turn around…
he faces me without letting go
an intense offering made through the lock of our eyes

he smiles softly.

“i don’t have a newsroom…” he says as he begins to kneel to the pebbled sierra, the only soul bearing witness to our unfolding history

“…but i do have a mountain.”

reaching in his pocket, is he really reaching in his pocket?
a trinket box, brilliantly blue and textured.
i’m present here.
i’m here.
we are here.

of course, of course, of course.

105. the number of times i nodded in a hug squat,
holding, embracing, loving
moving a new ring around and around and around to feel all it’s ridges.
us.

tiny tears in our eyes
wide grins and smooth ‘i can’t believe this is happening‘ laughter.
we stand, hand in hand, and walk toward our first dinner as somehow more than we had been moments before.

bigger. grander. stronger.

105.
one hundred and five.
one oh five.

Diabetes Blog Week 2014: Day 5

yes.

that.just.happened.

watch it again.

———————————————–

it’s a WILDCARD diabetes blog week prompt:

Write a short story personifying a diabetes tool you use on a daily basis. A meter, syringe, pump, pill, etc. Give it a personality and a name and let it speak through you. What would it be happy about, upset about, mad about?

Tell Me a Story Wildcard Link List.

ps.

Diabetes Blog Week 2014: Day 4

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MANTRAS MANTRAS MANTRAS MANTRAS MANTRAS MANTRAS MANTRAS MANTRAS MANTRAS MANTRAS

……………………………………………………………………to live by.

quit slackin’ and make shit happen.
….while you’re doing that, keep in mind that the only thing constant is change.
…….when things get wonky, know that better management is not a destination, but rather a way of life
……….while forming happy habits, remember that the most supremely qualified person to make it better is you.
…………. and whatever you do, put effort forth to love more and worry less.

ps. if you can’t find a mantra today, mike lawson is pretty famous for serving them up on mondays:

mike lawson mantra

mike lawson mantra 2

final note (thank you STEPHEN for reminding me to share)….

NEVER GIVE UP. NEVER SURRENDER !!!!!!!! — via galaxy quest

__________________________________________________________________________

today’s diabetes blog week prompt:
Today we are getting back to the positive with our topic Mantras and More. Yesterday we opened up about how diabetes can bring us down. Today let’s share what gets you through a hard day? Or, more specifically, a hard diabetes day? Something positive you tell yourself, or mantras, or what you fall back on to get you through. Maybe we’ve done that and we can help others do it too? (Thanks to Meri of Our Diabetic Life for suggesting this topic.)

Diabetes Blog Week 2014: Day 3

old blog

that was my first diabetes blog.

A Bit of a Written Advantage

i started it when i was 20 and kept it a secret until now.
i did so because it reveals a darkened heart and a troubled soul
i didn’t share it with my parents
i didn’t share it with my friends

i am petrified to share it now…

i wrote it for me
i needed to be negative
i needed to vent

even when i knew i’d be the only one to see it, i became closed and self conscious
i feared it revealed something about me that i wasn’t ready to see.

reveal

i used my first blog space as a search and find
picking pockets of diabetes life to pit my anger and frustration

i was never doing well enough
never quite okay despite how badly i tried to convince myself i was
i felt as though i was the only person with diabetes who couldn’t get it right
i felt guilty and if prompted, i’d surely be the one to point a finger at myself and my habits.

-

i have always been a great pretender and stand by the notion that what one does affects the way one feels.

thus in theory:
by acting like a person who is good at managing, i will, i time, feel like a person who is actually good at managing.

high BG

i’m not sharing this now because i feel healed or better

i’m not cured of the damage diabetes has done to my psyche

if anything, i’d say i’m still sifting through the rubble to find pieces of myself that were lost or stolen. it’s tough to figure out what is true and what is foreign when everything is covered in the same gray dust.

i don’t know that this process ever stops. i may be searching for ways to feel whole until it’s my time to pass.

it often works as a cycle. i learned through seeking identity wholeness that i am painfully self-aware. living with diabetes may or may not be deserving of credit for that, but regardless – it serves me well in many occasions, but certainly not in all. i can easily get too introspective and begin to question my personhood.

I AM MOVING THROUGH THIS DOOZIE RIGHT NOW:
pssssst: i am highly sensitive about it, in fact i’m not sure i am ready for comments on this bit at all

as the post above still rings true, i have to question:

(a) does high blood sugar change the real me, which is kind and patient, into a less pleasant being which is decidedly less ‘me’?

OR

(b) am i a person, thick with bitterness and scowl, who uses the excuse of high blood sugar to mask what lies beneath in dandelions and snowflakes?

FURTHER

if (a), would it be honest to say that i take every precaution to stay in my more natural state?
if (a) and i don’t take every precaution, what priority beats out being in my more natural state?
if (b), is it possible that i purposefully take diet risks to exercise that excuse and thus relax into my more natural state?

* i am aware that there are many shades of gray between (a) and (b) and i’ll likely nestle somewhere between them.

-

the fact that this question exists for me in combination with how very raw i feel right now after writing it out is proof enough of two things:

1. soul searching is in it’s infant stages for me and clearly, moves at a glacial pace

2. during this process i need to remember to build UP my emotional evaluation of self worth and believe above all else that soul searching is something only the strongest and bravest can endure. moreover, i ought to take great esteem in my ability to ‘go there’ and then push further. it is a great gift and may be lost if not exercised.

-

thank you scott strange for your honesty and your bravery. i think the world of you and all the work you do both inside and out. you make the world (and the #DOC) a brighter place. this topic pushed me to explore something new.

_______________________________________________________

todays diabetes blog week prompt:
What Brings Me Down. May is Mental Health Month so now seems like a great time to explore the emotional side of living with, or caring for someone with, diabetes. What things can make dealing with diabetes an emotional issue for you and / or your loved one, and how do you cope? (Thanks go out to Scott of Strangely Diabetic for coordinating this topic.)

Diabetes Blog Week 2014: Day 2

Bridge Cabin

send me well wishes, not tricks up your sleeve
because right when i need you, you also need me

there’s no changing colors, no charging up dues,
no market impressions, no turning up clues

i test, you trial, as our turbulence goes
on for lightyears, discomfort and woes

you never asked for permission, to park it and stay
you’re welcoming gift bears, a reason to pray

i pray not to jesus, nor shiva, nor thor
for they bare no witness, to what we’ve endured

answer me this, are you used to me yet?
cause i’m still not adjusted, your now and then threat

there’s no ‘when this is over,’ or ‘as soon as it’s done’
because you and i baby, got no where to run

so send me well wishes, and i’ll still do my best
together we’ll do it, every last test

there’s no you without me, nor me without you
so let’s be married in action, and both pay our dues
i can if you can, and we can it’s true
our bumps become our stories, our unexpected blues.

______________________________________________________________

todays diabetes blog week prompt:

Our topic today is Poetry Tuesday. This year, Diabetes Blog Week and TuDiabetes are teaming up to bring out the poet in you! Write a poem, rhyme, ballad, haiku, or any other form of poetry about diabetes. After you’ve posted it on your blog, share it on the No Sugar Added® Poetry page on TuDiabetes, and read what others have shared there as well!

Diabetes Blog Week 2014: Day 1

Diabetes Blog Week 2014: Monday
Screen Shot 2014-05-15 at 12.30.14 AM

i recently returned from a trip to the mountains with my lovedove, jesse.
we spent nearly two weeks in an isolated cabin.
no internet. no cell service. 30 minute drive to the nearest town. nada. nothing. trees, trees, a creek and more trees.

i loved our time together. i learned things about our partnership and how we tend to co-habitate when there is really nothing to do. i’m not sure if we made an unspoken pact or not but neither he, nor i, spoke of my diabetes much during our stay. this is very very weird for me. i usually gab on and on about diabetes and what kind of tricks it pulled on me that day.

backstory: i went off my pump after this happened a couple of weeks ago. i needed a break. that break extended into cabin time and resulted in the absence of beeps.

it was like i’d never heard a silence so brilliant. everything still. i didn’t know how truly stunning an absence of the beeps could be.

i noticed it on the second day in cabin time and felt a terribly strong urge to write and tweet and fb about how, through the absence, i thought up a great new name for when wacky bg’s are sticking around: the beeps.

post backstory: maybe someone has already shared that term! i wanted to find them! I wanted to share and rejoice on how this silence has renewed my desires to have a pump but NOT hear many beeps.

i wanted to talk about the beeps with those who understand or even just someone who understands.

yes. jesse has been with me (& diabetes) for nearly six years. he has seen the presence it has in my life and what i allow it to dictate. he has seen the times when i tell diabetes no, but it goes ahead and does it anyway. he gets it

but as you may have heard or seen or felt, talking small d-intricacies with people without diabetes often leads to the PWD feeling rather misunderstood.

what i am trying to say is…

i need you people.
i need you #DOC maker-upers to share with, to learn from, to stand with when phasers are set to stun on advocacy issues, to bench press the tough shit like it aint no thang (i shouldn’t have thrown that one in).
i need the outlet and the support and the funnies that you create and maintain.

you help me laugh about that which can feel unbearable and unrelenting.
you show me courage
togetherness.
tenderness.
and love.

YOU fuel me.

i advocate formally for our continued connection.

i’m getting all mushy gushy so i am going to connect this now and make a plug.

am i allowed to make a plug?
i am going to anyway.

it just so happens that the diabetes cause and issue that fuels my steamboat (only YOU aren’t burnable) has been addressed in a new way very recently, thanks to Christel at thePerfectD Blog (yes that was capitalized, and for good reason).

The Diabetes UnConference.

i’m just going to repeat that a few times.

The Diabetes UnConference.

The Diabetes UnConference.

The Diabetes UnConference.

The Diabetes UnConference.

i love talking with and meeting friends with diabetes on the net. for me, it’s a non-threatening environment that is shaped by the people who want [something unfound] from it. the #DOC is a collective. we decide what fuels us, what moves us, what shakes us, what shapes us and what changes us. we choose what and how often. we pick where and where not. we.

The Diabetes UnConference brings the online freedom to real life gatherings. we decide when we get there. we share what we want when we want. we contribute our gifts and bask in others’. it’s unlike anything else.

there are diabetes conferences for families, for women, for educators, for scientists, for health centers, and even for techies. each of these conferences are different (all magnificent) works of art. a single person may see the beauty in each of them, but may not identify with them all.

The Diabetes UnConference is a conference… for adults with diabetes.

it is a place to talk about the beeps and how the absence of speaks to a need you didn’t know you had.

it is a place to wear diabetes completely on the outside because, refreshingly, keeping it simple doesn’t benefit anyone around you.

it is a chance to speak the diabetes language without pausing to explain the basics.

it is the #DOC in person.

it is magic.

The Diabetes UnConference: REGISTER HERE
_______________________________________________________

todays diabetes blog week prompt:
Change the World – Monday 5/12
Let’s kick off Diabetes Blog Week by talking about the diabetes causes and issues that really get us fired up. Are you passionate about 504 plans and school safety? Do diabetes misconceptions irk you? Do you fight for CGM coverage for Medicare patients, SDP funding, or test strip accuracy? Do you work hard at creating diabetes connections and bringing support? Whether or not you “formally” advocate for any cause, share the issues that are important to you. (Thanks go out to Kim of Texting my Pancreas for inspiring this topic.)

there was a time

WHITElogo

there was a time during my staffship at DHF when i lost someone very dear to me. 30 minutes after hearing the news, i sent a text to manny. i asked for the following day off and briefly told him why. seconds later, he called me. he wanted to make sure i was okay and express his deep condolences. before his call, i’d been sitting alone in my room, only a door separating my sadness from the jubilant friends having a party in the living room. my throat was swollen and my heart was heavy. i can’t remember what he said, but what i do remember was his care. immediate, unwavering. manny has always been this way, but on this particular occasion, especially so.

there was a time during my staffship at DHF when corinna came to town. i got real with her about the place my mind was stuck, and she helped me to crawl out. she asked questions that brought me a level deeper than i’d gone on my own. intentions, reactions, possibilities. i’m not sure she knows that her words carried such a profound impact, but i will be forever grateful. she has become a great role model for me. she has literally SHONE me that standing up for yourself can be synonymous with standing up for many many others.

there was a time during my staffship at DHF where ketones found me. I pretty desperately text’d Melissa Lee, a DHF board member. She called me and I felt relief immediately. Remembering her caring support makes reflecting on the experience a positive one, despite the feeling that my blood was on fire. It was some kind of diabetes community magic. take a fully bad experience physically, throw in friends reaching up to take some weight off, and you get a lesson in healing rather than pain.

everyday during my staffship at DHF i came into the office looking forward to spending time with mike and emily. i’m convinced that there is no workplace like this one because of them. they are my friends and i truly love them both. i have so many vibrant memories with them, so many lessons learned, so much self growth and personal development. we tease and we laugh. we dance and we sing. we stand and we trot in place to get more fitbit steps. i don’t think it is common to meet people who offer space to grow in real time, but both mike and emily do. i’ve blossomed in many ways because they lend insight and experiences. missing them is going to be really challenging.

there was a time during my staffship at DHF when a new family member jumped aboard. desiree is so fun and talented and together, i can’t help but wish i would have been here to hang out longer. she brings so many wonderful gifts to DHF. she has been a pleasure to work along side.

all of these memories share a theme, a common thread, a backbone.

that backbone, thread, theme, is the mission of DHF working it’s magic. connecting. engaging. empowering.

beyond that, for me, what is really under all of it is… belonging.

there are so many warm warm welcoming individuals making up the DOC. i’ve never felt like i belong anywhere as much as i do here.

i knew what DHF did before i started working here. i had felt saved by PWDs before. but this family, up close and personal is something else. it is a home. it is a place to stand and a place to fall. it is a place to rest. it is a place to just be.

DHF and the DOC are whatever you need them to be even when you aren’t sure what it is you need.

there was a time when i felt lost and alone. thanks to DHF and all of you, that time is behind me. and should it ever find me again, i know exactly where to turn to find my way back home.

i’m filled with gratitude for the kindness DHF has shone me. on the eve of my last day of staffship, i can think of no better way of thanking them then to promise to pay it forward.

wherever i go,
whatever i will do,
i will bring your lessons and kindness and warmth with me.
i’ll show compassion and extend my arms to offer the warmth of a hug.
i’ll be open and honest
i’ll call to make sure someone is okay
i’ll dance and sing and tease and laugh

thank you for guiding me and helping me grow, DHF and DOC.

here are all the ways i’d like to say thank you: