what do you want to get off your chest?
if given the opportunity, would you set free the bits that weigh on you?
what if you let a secret slip your lips but felt no liberation?
if your admission didn’t invite commentary, would you share then?
today’s clean it out topic was a bit unnerving for me.
i have many qualms with letting go of my treasured diabetes-related secrets.
after all, i’ve been keeping them to myself for as long as i can remember
and while some of them send fear-induced chills down my spine,
others keep me grounded and responsibly safe.
whelp. … [gulp].
i am so afraid.
i’m scared shit-less –> meaning: i’m so incredibly terrified that all the poo has already left my body in fright. yes. i’ve lost control of my bowls, not just my blood sugar. apologies for that image.
when i think about trying to conceive, i’m a mess.
i can’t even keep my crotchety diabetes from being erratic.
how am i going to be blood-sugar stable enough to HOST another human in my body?
can you imagine the ‘be our guest’ song with broken plates an bent silverware dancing around?
that was an obscure reference…
and what about this….
the one where monica and chandler are looking for a viable sperm donor…
i feel threatened by the idea that, as the above video suggests, people with diabetes or a history of diabetes, are not valuable contributors to society and the gene pool.
when i think about my long-term future, i have a tendency to catastrophize:
i’ll die young.
complications will keep me bed-ridden.
i won’t have time to accomplish everything i want for myself and my family.
all of the things my parents feared upon learning i would live with diabetes and its complications for the rest of my life parade around in my mind. only, it is a sad parade where every one looks/feels terrible and the band is off key.
i don’t like writing about my diabetes-related fears, not because i want them to not exist, but because focusing on them, highlighting them, and making them a part of my written history polarizes me toward them.
i love positivity and how it makes me feel when i practice it. i want to feel THAT as much as i can, while also recognizing that it isn’t the whole story.
sometimes, i need a pity party. most of the time, i don’t want it any part of it.
and to end this horrific self-exposing blog post on a positive note, please watch my hero, puddles.
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other people are cleaning stuff out and i know you want to know what.
Yesterday we kept stuff in, so today let’s clear stuff out. What is in your diabetic closet that needs to be cleaned out? This can be an actual physical belonging, or it can be something you’re mentally or emotionally hanging on to. Why are you keeping it and why do you need to get rid of it? (Thank you Rick of RA Diabetes for this topic suggestion.)
Sending you all the hugs Heather!
Well said, Heather. Sometimes I feel like if I say those things out loud they might come true- silly as it is! You are brave to put it out there, and I hope the process of doing so enpowered you!
Sending you peace and courage. If you need more, just ask and I can send you more.
Hugs to you!! If you ever have any questions about pregnancy with diabetes, let me know! Also, I love your Beauty and the Beast reference 🙂
I just watched the Friends clip. Pfffft.
Brave and beautiful post. I can relate.
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