to be quite honest, i’m not keen on admitting this…

B….U….T….

what i choose not to share is often my pain.

i want to be strong.
for my family,
for my self,
for my future.

i share my trials when i’m past them.
i suppose i do not share while feeling hurt because i know i’m a mess and don’t have answers.
then, if i can manage my pain in the moment, i feel stronger.

boy oh boy. i know there are so many holes in that logic.

“but sharing when you’re in pain IS A STRENGTH!”
“holding in your emotions doesn’t make you strong!”
etc etc.

i know this and yet
my pattern perpetuates.

being on the healthy-happy side of the equation helps me admit to this.
i am flourishing right now.

if i were, rather, languishing, i might have told you that what i don’t share is: personal details of my everyday life.
which is true…..

i don’t like sharing day-to-day things that i find sort of… boring.

BUT, it is surface in comparison to this golden snitch of an admission.

i don’t tend to share what hurts me.

while healthy, it is easier to
remember that
strong is a state of being, not a character trait.
and states of being come and go.

the hurt-ness that i keep only for me could make someone else feeling a similar sadness feel less alone.
falls, scraped and bleeding knees, alligator tears are not signs of non-strength.
they are signs of processing and recovery.

i need to learn to redefine the word strength as i see fit, per situation.
i need to remember that some of my hero’s, like scott strange, are strong because they have an unassailable ability to courageously bear their true colors, good and bad.
honesty, without packaging, without fear of judgement.
i need to remember these people
during the hard times and think of their strength.

i hope that next time i’m on the other side of healthy-happy,
closer to sicky-saddnes, i might be able to draw upon this blog post
and dispute any cognition i hold that sharing when hurting is not an action of great strength and courage.

because it is.

you know what i love?

when a blog post ends up being a therapy session!

whabam!!

this is what others are keeping confidential.

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today’s topic:
Many of us share lots of aspects of our diabetes lives online for the world to see. What are some of the aspects of diabetes that you choose to keep private from the internet? Or from your family and friends? Why is it important to keep it to yourself? (This is not an attempt to get you out of your comfort zone. There is no need to elaborate or tell personal stories related to these aspects. Simply let us know what kinds of stories we will never hear you tell, and why you won’t tell them.) (Thank you Scott E of Rolling in the D for this topic.)