we used to vacation


 a poem by ME: heather gabel
in may, 2012

i can taste freedom wrapped in
fear from fleets of flying fireflies that stain this night in empowerment
i’ll be free soon
i will, because everything is fleeting and I am too
Dripping grass stained jeans in bleach as if that will somehow make them better
i try

I try to hold back from chemicals that send us straight back to arm wrestling with intentions and those unconscious signals i never understood to begin with
This isn’t about you


But i’ll look at you and say
I loved you once


i’d say i love you now but circumstances are empty of concept
It’s beyond that
Shaping our cosmologies like there’s a plan, and god I can see it
It’s existing


i won’t fight for you
Because i wont fight your fear
i don’t fight- in fear of retort and a rehashing of the same story still ringing in my ears
from so many years of delusion
i make belief from vacant faith in a future where there is a peace between us…
…And you again, a victim of the culture, unknowingly partaking in the bathing ritual with clothes on,
up to your neck
you crave bare sensation


But i can’t fight for you
i wont
even though it is the hope for better understanding that stole us from being unhappy forever to begin with
I’ll end with


This is what i want
Leaving my co-dependence
and addiction to safety
i want to wallow in a happiness that absorbs just a little more light into this darkness
Feed it so feeling it isn’t so distant
Grow it so i can wear it and say

“i’m not a victim, but i hurt-
and when i hurt i feel it,
and when i feel it, i find a way to transcend it because i am capable of greatness outside of your oppression”

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