that was my first diabetes blog.

A Bit of a Written Advantage

i started it when i was 20 and kept it a secret until now.
i did so because it reveals a darkened heart and a troubled soul
i didn’t share it with my parents
i didn’t share it with my friends

i am petrified to share it now…

i wrote it for me
i needed to be negative
i needed to vent

even when i knew i’d be the only one to see it, i became closed and self conscious
i feared it revealed something about me that i wasn’t ready to see.

i used my first blog space as a search and find
picking pockets of diabetes life to pit my anger and frustration

i was never doing well enough
never quite okay despite how badly i tried to convince myself i was
i felt as though i was the only person with diabetes who couldn’t get it right
i felt guilty and if prompted, i’d surely be the one to point a finger at myself and my habits.

–

i have always been a great pretender and stand by the notion that what one does affects the way one feels.

thus in theory:
by acting like a person who is good at managing, i will, i time, feel like a person who is actually good at managing.

i’m not sharing this now because i feel healed or better

i’m not cured of the damage diabetes has done to my psyche

if anything, i’d say i’m still sifting through the rubble to find pieces of myself that were lost or stolen. it’s tough to figure out what is true and what is foreign when everything is covered in the same gray dust.

i don’t know that this process ever stops. i may be searching for ways to feel whole until it’s my time to pass.

it often works as a cycle. i learned through seeking identity wholeness that i am painfully self-aware. living with diabetes may or may not be deserving of credit for that, but regardless – it serves me well in many occasions, but certainly not in all. i can easily get too introspective and begin to question my personhood.

I AM MOVING THROUGH THIS DOOZIE RIGHT NOW:
pssssst: i am highly sensitive about it, in fact i’m not sure i am ready for comments on this bit at all

as the post above still rings true, i have to question:

(a) does high blood sugar change the real me, which is kind and patient, into a less pleasant being which is decidedly less ‘me’?

OR

(b) am i a person, thick with bitterness and scowl, who uses the excuse of high blood sugar to mask what lies beneath in dandelions and snowflakes?

FURTHER

if (a), would it be honest to say that i take every precaution to stay in my more natural state?
if (a) and i don’t take every precaution, what priority beats out being in my more natural state?
if (b), is it possible that i purposefully take diet risks to exercise that excuse and thus relax into my more natural state?

* i am aware that there are many shades of gray between (a) and (b) and i’ll likely nestle somewhere between them.

–

the fact that this question exists for me in combination with how very raw i feel right now after writing it out is proof enough of two things:

1. soul searching is in it’s infant stages for me and clearly, moves at a glacial pace

2. during this process i need to remember to build UP my emotional evaluation of self worth and believe above all else that soul searching is something only the strongest and bravest can endure. moreover, i ought to take great esteem in my ability to ‘go there’ and then push further. it is a great gift and may be lost if not exercised.

–

thank you scott strange for your honesty and your bravery. i think the world of you and all the work you do both inside and out. you make the world (and the #DOC) a brighter place. this topic pushed me to explore something new.

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todays diabetes blog week prompt:
What Brings Me Down. May is Mental Health Month so now seems like a great time to explore the emotional side of living with, or caring for someone with, diabetes. What things can make dealing with diabetes an emotional issue for you and / or your loved one, and how do you cope? (Thanks go out to Scott of Strangely Diabetic for coordinating this topic.)