i’ve resisted ‘the darkness’ in every other way possible.
when i was in middle school, the stores that i shopped at provided more insight about me than what i said or how i spoke.
8th grade playground rule:
where your clothes come from and how they fit your body is indicative of what is inside,
of what is hidden, frightened, blooming, glowing, waiting.
you have to pick one and stay there.
and choose wisely because with your shirts and pants and short skirts comes a group of friends.
friends that are hiding, frightened, blooming, glowing, waiting
just like you.
clothes conveyed where you have been, where you are going and maybe even how you are going to get there.
it a connection; a shared desire to find common ground without having to work too hard to get there.
something to hide behind for some, a mountain to shout from for others.
being at the medtronic diabetes advocates forum brought memories of dress to the front of my mind.
i was feeling all sorts of things that my business casual attire just couldn’t convey.
upon arrival, i was feeling edgy, excited, busy, overworked, stressed.
and i needed so badly to feel understood and recognized for the struggle i was doing such a great job concealing
i was all bottled up, needing approval, validation.
but i couldn’t ask for it in anyone.
because a cry for help
for me manifests itself in clothing
feeling misunderstood is what led me to look to clothing as form of expression in the first place
because, then, i didn’t know how to tell people
and i still don’t know how to share that
i’m hurting and don’t know why.
i don’t know why or where the hurt is stemming from
i can’t locate the root
because i might get burned trying
i can’t find the root
in all my searching
so i seek above the surface
i start mapping my circumstances to that hurt,
finding cause and effect where there is none
the only way i feel safe expressing how i’m feeling
is through the fabric on my back and legs and arms
covering up my crisis
like i did in middle school
strong, hidden, frightened, blooming, glowing, waiting.
i wanted this post to be one of those ‘this is what i was doing’
and ‘this is what i am going to do about it now’ kind of posts, but it just didn’t end up that way
i don’t have a conclusion
or a starting point other than
to say it
candidly, nakedly, openly
i’m hurting and i don’t know why.
this is my cycle and every time it happens i get a little better at it. i catch it sooner, share it louder, move through it wiser.
i know a sunrise from a sunset. equally important. equally valuable. the absence of other equates to a loss of both.
move onward, my friend, onward.