struck i was, by the call to depart from violent language
right there. ilana jacqueline typed the words i couldn’t shape in a blog post.
pushing my chronic pressure points, laughing and crying and relating. i wanted to reach out and hug her.
you’re not living with chronic illness if you’re “fighting” it,
you’re not living if you’re fighting
at last, at last! proof! another being feeling trampled by the jarring, taring, crashing, shooting, breaking, trampling diction of chronic disease
the death diction dramatizing the harshness of my day to day existence,
i get it
i get why we need it
the money! the funds!
gimmie my program
my research, my daughter, my son
undo the struggle, give back the careless childhood
i get why we need it, the money, the funds
we must communicate the importance of our cause.
battle. fight. beat it. run. win. win it. kill it done.
ladies and gentlemen. these words sting me like a priest asking god to forgive the sins that washed this disease over me to begin with.
like something with an end point, changing, brewing, fixing
be it dramatic, my feeling is valid
invisible house, pounding invisible doors, withdrawing into nothing but disappointment
why haven’t we moved past this?
i was drafted to a flowering meadow disguised as a war
where sunshine looks like bloodshed and blossoms like scars
where weeds look like time bombs and…
my life is not a battlefield, and my pump is not a gun.
pardon my abandonment
tell you once i don’t want it, and change it?
i’ll search for and find a treatment for this language
a treatment’s not a cure, but i’ll work out that too.
i’ll be it, not preach it
the exodus of violence in my day well lived
a most grand transcendence from fight and compete
to bold and complete
from grenade to morning dew
from trench to divot
fear to matrimony
together, in tandem
read me my vows, i’ll dance and say i do
if we work together,
with all we’ve got
well, we will get as far as we get…
knowing well we met in a flowering meadow and lived our days
most of our days
not scratching and death-trapping