keep on, keepin’ on

adam art

have you ever given something away to a friend and then immediately regretted it? maybe it is a shirt you never wear, or a box of inscents you want someone else to experience? it could be the last cupcake that you really didn’t need to eat because you already had three. you really want them to have it, but letting it go produces this feeling of loss and brief sorrow. there is a moment, well, a mini moment, where you want to grab it back and say, “wait, i’m not ready”. But almost within that same breath, as the exchange occurs, your heart shifts and you feel a warmness. you feel happy and good. .. like you shifted something in the universe, either for yourself or for them.

there is something beautiful about letting things go, and this kind of experience reassures you of that.

i was talking with my boyfriends brother last night and he said something that struck me. Well, he said many things that did, but this bit was special.

he was talking about heather. not me, heather. another heather. the heather that grips his heart and shows him love and care and soul. the heather that he would do anything for and anything to not lose.

he was talking about how special she was, as a person, as an old soul. and then he said it.

he said that the last two months have seemed like two years to him because he has been doing so much emotional self-work, and that struck me. he went on to explain that he now understands that he has the tendency to be good for other people. he has felt placed on a pedestal with no where to go, no where to fall. he said that within the last two months he has eased up on himself. he has let go of the need to be what and where he was expected to be.

like giving something physical away, we also give away non-physical things… like love. like affection. like heart and honesty. when i share something about myself that i don’t find admirable, i feel that same brief moment of loss and sorrow. i feel afraid. i cringe knowing that giving away a moment of honest reflection to someone else might change the way they see me, or worse, the way i see me. but it always happens that within that same breath, i feel a warmness. i feel happy. i shared and it feels good.

when jesse’s brother told me that letting go of that need, which was so essential to him before, was taking so much work, i could sense that warmness in him. i could also sense the brief feeling of loss and sorrow. it was like he was discovering it for the first time. i’m certain he has been feeling this out for a great time, but talking out loud changes something in the way we see ourselves.

being honest means giving something away. it means exposing what is underneath the parts of you that you actively work to show. it means not showing the part of you that you like. it is like taking apart a mosaic, a beautiful crafted art piece to revel concrete below.

but the warmth from feeling understood is immense. it is overcoming, and becoming. its developing your mosaic in contemporary ways.

sharing is difficult. and rewarding. especially, (here comes the diabetes part) when you are being honest about diabetes.

after my boyfriend’s brother opened up to me, i wanted to share too. i wanted to open up and discover things too. i wanted the loss and the warmth all rolled into one.

so i said it. i took the diabetes path and told him my current truth.

saying to someone who loves you, “sometimes i choose to not take care of myself” is really difficult. there is a moment of loss and sorrow. i had to say out loud this terrible thing about ME. this gray as concrete thing, that i hate to face anyway. this thing that makes me feel pain and shame and guilt and tragedy. this thing that swells up in me, trying to get out, trying to get attention. i am never ready to give it away.

but i didn’t want to take it back. i wanted to find warmth. i wanted to change something in the universe as a result.

i don’t know if i changed something, but i did get the warmth. i lost a secret. i was keeping it from me. i wasn’t sharing with my ‘self’.

so, then. i guess i’ll just keep chipping away at what makes me tick and not tick. i’ll keep seeking moments to share and connect with others and the universe.

i’ll keep on. i’ll keep working.

i’ll keep on.

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