have you ever felt an overwhelming need to just get out of somewhere? only, you aren’t sure what you’re running from or where ‘far enough’ is? you don’t know what you need from the distance, but it is the only fix you can think of for whatever it is that is happening in you to make you swell up like a pumpkin with friction and anxiety. it is the panic right after you see your meter that reads 47 and you are no where near food.
i feel like that right now and i want adventure. i want to get outside of normal life and have ‘an experience’. i want to get outside of my usual self and patterns and routine. i want to feel freedom and fresh air. i want flowers and big trees that tower over me and make me feel small. i need to feel small.
i got my a1c back today. i cried. 8.4
and feel a sense of injustice. i put a quarter into an arcade machine, and the machine didn’t count it, it just ate it. and then when i went to the help desk to tell them, i was told there was nothing they could do. so i am sitting here, full of some weird misplaced feeling and no outlet.
self pity? maybe.
feeling like i need to escape this feeling? yeah.
so despite my awareness of the fact that leaving for a weekend wont change my habits or my a1c results, i am going to run.
i am going to reward myself for going from 9.5 to 8.4, because it is movement in the right direction and because i HAVE been working hard.
i am going to run to rewards because, as a wise PWD once told me, diabetes numbers don’t play by the rules, and because i deserve it….
…and so do you. if you have diabetes or not and you beat up on yourself because of diabetes numbers or something else, join me this weekend in putting a stop to it (or at least one pause).
take a trip with me, get out of your normal space and try something new. let’s see what it’s like to be nice to ourselves. let’s try new coping strategies that may gear us toward better numbers later.
i am going to try something new. something adventurous. something daring and courageous.
lion heart. wild one.