it’s been a long time commin’ since i’ve seen your face

lancet reflection
The last time i wrote, i was sitting in an airport with my friend, and co-worker, mr. mike lawson. today, i am again, writing to you from an airport. my first since my last post. i am not sure about what caused this inspiration, but imediateldy when i sat down, ordered a lagunitas IPA, and began to accept my soon-to-be departure to philadelphia that unexpected blues popped into my mind. it has been over two months since i vistited my own blog site. why? well according to manny hernandez‘s gift and recommended reading, perhaps i have been ego/willpower depleted.

it’s a rarity, it sure is, but god i got it! prolonged allergic reaction to lantus. PWD’s out there, cry out with me… WTF?! you’ve got to be kidding me. i started getting sick back in the beginning of november, the day after i switched from my glorious, record keeping, accurate, magnificent insulin medronic minimed pump that reminds me and all of my friends that I AM DIABETIC, to good ol’ injections. why did i switch? well, at the time i had actually run out of supplies. but PWD-long-time can probably validate based on common experience, that supplies exists in every nook and cranny of every house, car, friends car, bag, suitcase they have ever come in contact with. SO, truth be told, i could’ve found more pump supplies. BUT, who doesn’t want a break from the ol’ ball and chain.

anyway, so i started taking lantus and i started getting sick.

STOP READING HERE IF YOU GET GROSSED OUT BY BODY STUFF SKIP TO NEXT CAPS……

it started with a mild fever. i then came down with a really rough sinus infection. my ears were popping in a out more than once and hour, even during sleep. then, oh yes, there is more, then, my lady parts started to feel not so good. i took care of that in a snap with some over-the-counter-kind-of-stuff. then, not two days after, my urine was the color of fruit punch. really, really, red. i had no symptoms of bladder infection, except for the blood pouring out of me. i was really scared at this point, i went to the ER because it was a saturday and the only urgent care that accepted my insurance wouldn’t open until tuesday. it was a holiday weekend. november 11th? so from there, i got treated for a bladder infection. i started a antibiotic regimen, only to find out three days into it, after the culture reports from the ER came back, that i had a strain of bacteria that was resistant to the antibiotic i was on. understandably, i was stressed at this point because i didn’t believe i should be treated for a bladder infection, when i had no symptoms of such.

quick tangent, but relevant in some way:
diabetics out there, have you ever gone to ER and had a doctor FLIP out because you have diabetes? it happens to me everyyyyyy time. everything lands on “poor control” and maybe its true. maybe all of this happened because my sugars are SO high. my a1c was 9.5. BUT maybe it didn’t! im my experience, doctors tend to stop there.

back to the sickness, after being prescribed a new antibiotic by the ER doc, i decided to make an appointment with my GP for a second opinion. by this time, i had significant side pain and had taken several days off from work. I went and saw the GP, April Fredian, (her name deserves caps, because she is a phenomenal doctor). i had written out my whole timeline- which you have now mostly seen. her suspicion was that i had actually had a kidney infection, because by that point (three days post ER) my urine showed no signs of infection, with no antibiotic taken. these things don’t just disappear.

uh. this is boring me, now. all i want it to say this is when i started getting better. but i didn’t. i came down with a nasty cold and my sinuses were worse than ever- which brings us into the new year….

my second day back at work i had ‘an episode’ .. not a seizure, but something horrid none the less. i was getting weird dizzy spells while walking out for lunch. it was like vertigo. i felt like i was upside down and had to stand still and ground myself. i tried to shake it off. i ate lunch and got back to my business. writing and reading emails, other DHF stuff. i was holding my darling puppy, lancet, and i became overwhelmed with an inability to move.

i could breathe fine. but nothing else was working, my mind wasn’t communicating with my body. i remember mike taking lancet from my lap, and emily asking in her usual voice, “you okay dude?” when they saw that i wasn’t i did my best to tell them who to call. emily drove me to April’s office and she did blood work.

that’s when i found out my a1c was 9.5, i had thyroid and vitamin D deficiencies. the following day, i came down with a fever that lasted over 24 hours. i got vitamin d gummies from the store and started taking them. i also set up a system to keep on with my thyroid.

IF YOU STOPPED READING BECAUSE OF THE GROSS STUFF, RESUME HERE:

two days after the fever, back i went- to see my endo. i asked her to prescribe me a different long-lasting insulin after recounting the whole story, sharing that all of the symptoms started at that first lantus injection.

i switched to levemir and within one day, i was better. completely better.

so, after writing that long terrible sob story, which notably serves as my excuse for not writing, i am going to do something here that i have been wanting to do for a long time, but have found ways around for ages.

i am going to make a public promise….

since digging into the best book i’ve read in a LONG time, (called Willpower, -thanks manny!), i have learned that attempting too many projects leaves one depleted. duh! i knew that, but i didn’t want it to be true for me. i wanted to be the exception to the rule. so, here is my ‘i’ve learned..’ redraft:

i’ve learned that attempting too many projects leaves ME depleted. i’ve learned that i’m (sadly) not superhuman.

far less than superhuman:
the thing is, i’ve treated my willpower like a pump reservoir. i know there are 12 units left. i know i wont be home for 8 hours. since i use 1 unit/hr for basal, that leaves 4 units. some times, i will just go for that 35gram peppermint mocha at starbucks right now on a 1-to-9 carb ratio-using up all my insulin, even though i very well know i will have to eat dinner before going home to fill up the tank. i also know that 6 hours before leaving home, i was running low and could have changed it then or worked to save it far earlier.

So here is the promise:
i promise that paying attention to my willpower reservoir will be my one personal project. when i know i am getting low, i will do something about it instead of pushing myself to do better or to keep up with my peers. i promise that my project will come first, because my body is my only vessel for life….

…because a 9.5 is not okay, because i am not okay.

what does this mean? friends, this means i will hang out less. co-workers, i will work less. me, i probably wont have the ‘beach body’ by the time of the cruise. readers, it means i may write less. it means i am going to take care of myself.

duh?!
You know, i have know this all along. but the difference between what i think i am doing to care for my self and what i am actually doing is gaping. it is like a trench.

how to come back from the trenches?

i dont know. it is too much for me to even fathom right now. but i know that something about being in this airport, drinking this IPA, is inspiring me to reflect. or maybe, rather, the inspiration is generated by the fact that two of my best friends just left to study abroad in france and chile. maybe it is because i am finally better, and my head is clear. it could be this awesome book, or, it could also be that this is my first break from my darling lancet the pug, whom i adore but who also semi-drives me mad.

well, regardless of the source, my promise has been made. So in my departure i say to you, i am coming back from the trenches and to the sun, it’s been a long time commin’ since i’ve seen your face.

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