it isn’t very often that my dream world and reality intersect. dig deeper?
it isn’t very often that i allow certain circumstances of my life exist within the safety of my dream space. keep going?
the big D doesn’t get to live two lives. clarify?
i wouldn’t call myself a master, nor a pro, nor expert. i wouldn’t even call myself advanced. i would, though, feel honest claiming myself to be a capable lucid-dreamer. i’ve worked to create a barrier in my mind with simple routines. i’ve worked to create a barrier that marks anything diabetes related as an invader within my dreamlands. why?
why? it isn’t complicated or messy. i just need a break. i can’t be counting carbs, adjusting ratios, basal testing, estimating exercise, planning meals to tonight based on meals for lunch, checking sites for wetness, considering stress, feeling my insides, and doing life all at the same time all the time.
having diabetes is, duh!, something i can’t do anything about. even if i pretend it is not there, just like a three year old throwing a fit in a grocery store- even if i walk away, it follows me crying, screaming, it’s tantrum being exacerbated by neglect.
ever wonder what stops that three year old from screaming?
ohhh shoot! guess what?! just like that 3 year old, diabetes gets itself in a frenzy and wreaks havoc. it annoys you, and embarrasses you. it makes you question life choices, helps you feel stuck in a place of powerlessness, and jerks you around just when you think it is getting better. the only way to abort the tantrum is to give it some love, like a warm parent would.
BUT, just like that 3 year old, diabetes grows up, if you let it. it will learn you as you learn it. maybe you’ll never understand it completely, but most people (including me) can’t even confidently say they understand themselves.
so, okay, lesson learned.
i am learning to let the diabetes in. i am learning…