’cause they’re calling, calling, calling me home

it’s a matter of perspective. they say that, don’t they?

this week, i’ve fallen through the cracks in a few areas of life and bloomed in a few others. imagine a scene with no green anywhere and a cracky surface like in the lion king before the stampede, with one little flower poking through

i guess that’s the reality, and transcending it hasn’t been my pattern so far.

i told my man (yes, i’m ‘attached’) that i know i am headed down a one-way street, straight to meltdown city. but then  getting on top of recognizing my pre-meltdown behaviors. i see patterns, the way i pretend my feet don’t hurt, the way i eat a grilled cheese everyday because i cannot fathom of another way to treat myself given my scheduling time restraints.

may i share? might i confide in you about the stressors of my life, which by the end of this will seem somehow smaller, and less filled with doom? may i take a moment to breathe through this mini vent-ilation.

i am working three jobs. i work at the diabetes hands foundation, at triple rock brewery, and at diabetes ( which yes, IS a job).

i am working from 60 to 65 hours a week. carrrazy right?

i took on the hours thinking ‘I’m an adjustable creature, i’ll get used to it and soon be saying ‘aint no thang’. if there is one thing i know about myself, it is that i am a workaholic. in school i take too many classes, sign up for too many clubs, and lead too many events. i overwork myself all the time. maybe being stressed is a part of my nature and i subconsciously know that being stressed from being busy is better than being stressed from being bored. the stress is there no matter what..

so, i’m here… overworked by choice, complaining about being overworked by choice, too.

im a vat of contradictions and inconsistencies refusing to be loosened up. (hence the headed for a meltdown)

When this happens, i -slowly but surely- willingly and also somehow unknowingly, give up, up and away my power. i give it away for free and then allow myself to go a step further and feel robbed of it, pointing a finger of blame anytime  my mind tricks me into believing an intruder has caused some sort of trauma.

i have come to learn from years and years of this exact approaching meltdown-tastic implosion of emotion and ‘hot-mess-ness’ that the ONLY proprietor of my sadness, unhappyness, upsetness, whatever!, is ME! what i have learned is that if i hold my power, if i take full responsibility for the way i feel, THAT is when i can start to make change.

so, i’m over here now, saying ‘alright, enough’

that’s MY perspective and they say there are many. even in the thick of the forrest of grief and gloom and powerlessness, that blue light reaches me with an open hand and says,

“find your power….check your blood sugar FIRST, then go to work”

transcending? i’ll keep you posted.

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2 thoughts on “’cause they’re calling, calling, calling me home

  1. Two-lane road.
    Approaching one-way street.
    Stop light. Greenlightgreenlight
    RED!
    Left turn-
    Do not enter! Wrong way!
    U-turn, reverse…
    Drive!
    Back onto two-lane road.
    Going, going, going…
    Caution: Watch for falling debris.
    Swerve!
    Whew, close one.

    Driving, driving, four-lane road.
    The sun shines, optimal conditions.
    Faster, faster! No cops.
    Sixty, seventy, eighty…
    Cruise at eighty.
    Cruising, cruising, cruising…
    COP! Don’t brake, drift!
    Neutral, neutral…
    Whew, close one.

    Lane merges; go left.
    Two-lane road. Yield to pedestrians.
    Going, going… shoot! Pedestrians!
    Fifty points for the one in the wheelchair!
    STOP! Red light. Wait.
    Wait.
    Right turn. Left turn. Right turn.
    We’ve gone in a circle.
    Left right left, look back…
    Pitter-patter on the windshield.
    We’re not lost, just
    Taking the scenic route.

    Hurry up! Faster, faster- go!
    Look, trees! Slow down!
    Down, down
    A one-lane road.
    Do not enter: wrong way
    And the rain continues to fall.

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