man, i feel like a woman

ice water
you know the feeling of being overwhelmed right?
you’ve felt it, talked about it, heard about it, maybe even cried about it?

it can be gut-wrenching. if you’re like me, it’s this internal friction that just looms and grows and mocks. it has a great power over me, and even when i know that i have lost power to it, i can’t seem to get it back. it’s like putty, the tighter i grab it, the more it squishes out my fingers.

gentleman, please do not take offense or feel like i am trivializing your struggles.

that is not my intent (although it may be unintentionally implied).

what i am trying to say is that being a woman and having all the lady things going on makes being overwhelmed from external circumstances much more overwhelming.

at least six days of every month…
my blood sugars are high.
im kind of being a biiitch.
i’m sensitive.
realllllllly sensitive.
i cry when i see apple commercials.
my favorite playlist on grooveshark is ‘sad songs on steroids’.
i am grumbly.
i’m less productive.
nothing in my life is balanced.
i’m upset about something i can’t figure out.
i walk around wanting to growl at people who look at me weird.

i’m a complete nutcase trumping around in oversized sweaters with unbrushed hair, and a costco-sized bag of brownies in my purse for 20% of my life.

i know that NOT ALL women find truth in this.

but for ME, there is.

i get affected.

the chemicals that apparently organize and attend week long raves in my body change the way i see the world and the way i react to all the stimuli that come leaping in.

the light, the jokes, the work, the fun, the friends, the love.

i feel like i loose some authorship, some agency.

it’s like i’m still the architect, but i’ve been drugged or something.

it’s wild.

and the point of all of this is to say that when i am in all of this madness, when i am feeling the most helpless, like i have the least amount of control over my reactions to my life and everything IN IT is ALWAYS in tandem with the times in life when i feel the most alone.

logically, i know that the universe is on my side, even in the middle of the mayhem. but the way i FEEL happens without my permission. the feeling of being alone and isolated happens in me immediately, automatically.

i then have to go back in and reflect.

i then have to process and lend my self the compassion and understanding i need to NOT react to my chemical reaction. i have to try really hard to not be mad at myself for getting mad at someone else for something i shouldn’t be mad about.

BUT there are many times where i don’t find time to do that work. i don’t find that time to process. so i go on feeling isolated until those six or more days are over and i start coming back to baseline.

i am writing this because it took me too many years to realize that being in this weird space is normal, predictable, and temporary.

my feeling of being alone in this unsolicited hysteria is ironically shared.

moving onward.

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One thought on “man, i feel like a woman

  1. When I was your age, I peed on strips and never had a clue that certain days of the month were different than others. I know that you’re better off than I was, but sometimes I think I had it easier….

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