waiting.
you know what it is like right?
you’re friends tell you things like: just keep swimming, patience is a virtue, good things come to those who wait, get your mind off it, go for a run or something, chill…
maybe you are waiting for your lab results or to hear back from grad school. maybe your vacation starts at some point in the future. maybe your birthday is less than 365 days away. maybe halloween is your favorite day of the year. maybe your husband is coming home from being away for a long time. maybe YOU’VE been away for a long time. regardless of the ‘what’ there is always SOMETHING we are waiting for and it always ‘comes with a price’.
there are varying degrees of waiting. sometimes, life around what you are waiting for carries on as if there isn’t anything being waited on. it’s no big deal. maybe the outcome wont effect your life much one way or the other.
however, sometimes, what you are waiting for consumes you. even when you don’t want to be thinking about it. you know it is out of your hands. but it parades your thoughts because the outcome could bring big changes in your life.
the past month has been a month of waiting for me. i’m waiting for all of the running i’m doing to have an effect on my bod. i’m waiting for dodgeball to start again. i’m waiting for october 5th to roll around so i can meet up with some people of the diabetes community in DC. i’m waiting to hear back about someone else’s decision so that i can make one of my own (vague, i know). i’m waiting on each paycheck so that i can keep my landlord from waiting on me for rent.
and i guess i am stress prone because all of this ‘planning to live’ is giving me anxiety. this place is not my favorite place to be.
i know that soon the storm will calm and i’ll float on okay.
but friends, i’m telling you that right now, here, currently, i’m waiting with bated breath.
i’m on tenterhooks with a little less than a smile on my face.
i’m trying to exercise my great power of patience.
i’m trying.
all the while i am trying, i know this:
eventually, there comes the moment when what you have been waiting for has arrived and is over. you feel overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time (can you ever just feel whelmed? -for hattie). there is confusion, and a sense of loss. you can’t remember what normal is, or how you existed before what you were waiting for took over your mind like a bunch of brain eating scarabs (like from the movie, the mummy).
relaxing is a good idea right now.
maybe a nice lavender bath!
maybe a visit to to dog park with my darling pug, Lancet.
i’m trying
Unexpected Blues 
Lots of life happens while we wait, doesn’t it? I think you explained the anticipation and the eventual “knowing” perfectly. Here’s hoping all of your answers come soon, and that they are all good answers.
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One of my favorite Modest Mouse songs, that reminds me of when we were “waiting” for the arrival of our daughter. She’d get all quiet in the womb and not perform for stress tests, so the docs would get worried. Then I would start singing this song, and she’d kick along. And we’ve been floating on OK ever since!
It is one of my favorites too! What a sweet memory for you. I hope she loves it as much as you do. Thank you for reading!
Waiting for things is almost as hard as finally knowing the outcome – and then realizing that waiting doesn’t stop – you just begin waiting for something else. I hope that soon, for you, the waiting is nothing more than a line in Starbucks or ::shudder:: the DMV – both of which are not life changing…
Thank you, Christel. And yes, knowing the outcome of one thing doesn’t mean the end of waiting. Stephen commented above beautifully, he said that a lot of life happens while we are waiting. The life changing waits are harder and seem to take a whole hell of a lot longer, but they also feel more rewarding in the end. I think i’ll go wait in line at Starbucks now, because i’m thirsty and you inadvertently suggested it. 😀