today was my last visit with my endocrinologist of nearly six years.
hesitant to walk in after a ‘bad’ diabetes week, i lost sight of the fact that this could very well be the last time i ever see her.
it’s been a rough two months.
there have been family troubles, broken lungs, the passing of a dear friend, personal illnesses, and there is more i can’t get into.
my blood sugar levels would do well to tell the tale.
probably because i knew it would be the last… this visit, i got real with my endo.
i told her what had been going on and that i’d rather not up my basal rates right now. i told her that my stress would fade away after i move, regulate, and regain my balance.
she agreed and suggested basal testing.
she asked me if i had any questions.
i said no.
she said, ‘okay, i’ll send in your prescriptions. follow me out to pick up your lab slip.’
‘thank you’ i replied.
just like that.
our time together ended.
i’m no longer her patient. she is no longer my doctor.
no hug, no handshake, not even an acknowledgment of an ending.
no reflection. no thank you.
i can’t say i was expecting closure,
and i don’t think it was important to me until i didn’t get it.
maybe i needed to thank her for being my doctor
maybe i couldn’t because i’ve felt like a ‘bad’ patient all these years
always a high a1c, not testing enough, eating poorly
maybe i was a patient that made her feel like an ineffective doctor.
six years of visits and i’m leaving
i’m leaving without a feeling of gratitude
and that lack is weighing on me.
would it you?
in arizona, i will find an endocrinologist that i vibe with, one that i’ll have trouble leaving.
i’ll find it.
i’ll do it.