just like that

ferris coachella
today was my last visit with my endocrinologist of nearly six years.

hesitant to walk in after a ‘bad’ diabetes week, i lost sight of the fact that this could very well be the last time i ever see her.

it’s been a rough two months.
there have been family troubles, broken lungs, the passing of a dear friend, personal illnesses, and there is more i can’t get into.

my blood sugar levels would do well to tell the tale.

probably because i knew it would be the last… this visit, i got real with my endo.

i told her what had been going on and that i’d rather not up my basal rates right now. i told her that my stress would fade away after i move, regulate, and regain my balance.

she agreed and suggested basal testing.

she asked me if i had any questions.

i said no.

she said, ‘okay, i’ll send in your prescriptions. follow me out to pick up your lab slip.’

‘thank you’ i replied.

just like that.
our time together ended.

i’m no longer her patient. she is no longer my doctor.

so unceremonious.
unfeeling, emotionless.

no hug, no handshake, not even an acknowledgment of an ending.

no reflection. no thank you.

i can’t say i was expecting closure,
and i don’t think it was important to me until i didn’t get it.

maybe i needed to thank her for being my doctor
maybe i couldn’t because i’ve felt like a ‘bad’ patient all these years
always a high a1c, not testing enough, eating poorly
maybe i was a patient that made her feel like an ineffective doctor.

six years of visits and i’m leaving
i’m leaving without a feeling of gratitude
and that lack is weighing on me.
would it you?

—————–

in arizona, i will find an endocrinologist that i vibe with, one that i’ll have trouble leaving.

i’ll find it.
i’ll do it.

i can.

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12 thoughts on “just like that

  1. It sounds like you’re endo wasn’t in tune with you. Now that you know what you want from an endo, I’m sure you’ll find it in Arizona. Always remember, you have choices in your doctor, just like you have choices in your shoes. :)

    • I couldn’t love your reminder more, Rich! <3 Very true. I don't think I knew that I had options when I first started seeing her at 18 years old. I do now thanks to people like you in the DOC teaching me so much in the last few years. Thank you for reading and sharing <3

  2. Yeah, I definitely think you should find an endo that you actually enjoy going to. Just the fact that you termed yourself as a “bad” patient makes me feel that she might not have been doing her job to remind you that you are human and you are learning and growing and making mistakes and that there’s no such thing as a “bad” patient because all of the variables of life are influencing you.

    • Thank you for chiming in Paige, and for reading this. I know how busy your life is!! I used the “” because I too, know that there is no such thing as a bad patient. I think the fact that I tended toward that language even in “” is evidence enough that we didn’t click. I bet she is a fantastic doc for those who want less of a connection. That just isn’t me and I am really looking forward to meeting a new doc that I DO connect with. I love you and am going to miss you very much. Thank you again for checking this out. It means a lot to me.

  3. I am sorry about what you have gone through over the last two months. I wish you the best in the future.

    Reading the description of your former endo irked me – rather, the behavior you described did. I don’t enjoy being stuck dealing with such people. Not in the least. In the short term, I don’t have any problem being around them. I can respect our differences. In time, however, I begin to resent having to be in their presence.

    If I had your former endo, how would I feel upon leaving them?

    Perhaps I would feel jubilant for having been “set free” from that incompatible relationship. If so, resentment would melt away. I would hold no grudges against them, and I would wish them the best. Perhaps I would even consciously acknowledge that it was not their fault…that we were just too different from one another.

    On the otherhand…

    If my stress levels were already elevated, or if I had been under excessive stress recently, I would definitely not react that way. I’d likely feel snubbed by that behavior. Afterwards, I’d be plighted by negativity. Regret. Uncertainty. Frustration. Any number of negative emotions could present themselves if this were to happen. Guilt over my lack of gratitude could certainly be among them.

    Good luck in your search for an endo who is more in tune with you!

    • Thank you for all of that reflecting! I totally understand where you are coming from in those perspectives and it is refreshing to see your awareness of a plethora of possible reactions depending on current circumstances. I feel a great combinations of all of those things. Still sorting through all of the emotional gunk. Thank you for reading and for the well wished <3

  4. I’ve been there, and yes – it’s awkward. I guess they need to give you some direction when you leave, even at the last appointment, or they’re not doing their job. It’s not like the last day of class before summer which is, in essence, a wasted class day.

    Having said that, I had two “last” appointments with my previous endo. When the doctor I signed up with at my new home couldn’t fit in a first appointment for five months, I ended up visiting my old doc one last time. Neither time did he seem to realize that this was it, nor did he wish me luck going forward. Maybe some doctors draw the line at sentiment.

    • I find that so weird. I wonder if the docs that don’t offer a connection have always been that way or lose their strength to because of the job demands. Either way, it seems strange to go through the process of staying healthy like it’s business and not just… living well.

      Thank you for reading and sharing your experience, Scott. <3

  5. You are not a bad patient. And it doesn’t really sound like she was a bad doctor – it just sounds like you didn’t quite click. And that’s okay . . . . because now when you look for your new doctor after the move you have a better idea of what you are looking for. And you will hear that click, I’m sure!

  6. Healthcare professionals tend to fall into three categories: Ones you can’t stand, ones you don’t love but can work with, and ones you love and work well with. Not sure where your (now) previous endo falls, but I’m confident you’ll find one you love in AZ. Because you know what a great one looks like now. Good luck.

    • What a wonderful reminder you just gave me!! I do know what a good endo looks like now. I have met them before! Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment, Stephen! You are totally right, I just need a doc I mesh with well! <3 Big Love

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